booby war continues

as you are aware, we have had fascination with boobies and all that goes with it for a while.

while swimming at our local rec center, benjamin, was delighted to see that the woman with the biggest breasts in the entire rec center and smallest bikini top come into the hot tub where he just happened to be relaxing.

me?

not so much.

“benjamin, don’t stare.” i reminded him.

and bless his heart, he did not, though it was an epic struggle.

i was feeling pretty good about our trip to booby paradise and thought we could leave the rec center having not made anyone uncomfortable and our heads held high, that is, until we were putting on our shoes.

“boobies!” ben said while pointing.

i turned to look and see him pointing at a man, who did have boobies, but probably did not need to have that fact pointed out.

another rec center, another walk of shame.

shame

on a different note, i looked over at emma during church yesterday, to see her reading her book about lizards and their mating rituals.

it was the most enlightening moment i had in church.

change

a trip to la la land

the bi-annual cleaning of ben’s teeth occurred today.

why bi-annual you ask? 

because when ben goes for a teeth cleaning, an anesthesiologist is required to make this magic happen. and he happens to have my teeth, which means he is missing enough to make gaps that insure no plague will build up anytime soon which allows more time in between cleanings. yay for genetically bad teeth.

as with all trips down la la land lane, ben needed more help than the average size individual. the nice doctor felt that one valium would be enough to put him in a calm, dazed state in which one can easily manipulate him.

wrong.

“this dude needs a lot.” the doctor said. “is he done growing?”

land

unfortunately for ben, the underestimation of valium led to the definite estimation of a shot right into his arm to take him out.

“whoa!” ben started when the inkling of realization dawned on him that the shot was indeed intended for his body.

the following quotes were heard by my daughter, who was sitting in the waiting room waiting, which is a rather prudent use of a waiting room.

“i wish, i wish……..this is going to be massive…….i wish.” ben kept saying. i don’t know if he thought the shot was going to be massive or his wish was going to be massive.

“THEY’RE COMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“HELP ME! HELP ME! HELP ME! HELP ME!”

“GET AWAY FROM ME!!!!”

with the valium, shot, and happy gas going, ben was still able to put up a fight when the actual i.v. was going in and he was still able to read the movie list and pick a movie to watch. poor thing did not know that in 5 minutes he was about to be knocked forcefully by heavy duty drugs into la la land.

“this is a strong kid.” the dr. said while trying to hold ben’s arm, and this was ben in slow-mo.

on the upside of the whole la la land adventure, ticket for one, ben did not once call me ursula mom.

ursula

 

 

a rite of passage

my son became a man today.

a costco man.

you see, we had lunch there, but bear eats so fast that you need a slow-mo camera just to catch the action and watch later.

he did not feel he had enough to eat.

he did.

being the burly bulk of autistic ‘i don’t want to accept this’ mass that he is, he let me know he was not pleased at being told that he was done.

i disagreed with this memo.

everyone else in the vicinity got the memo though.

enter coscto samples

bear has never really even paid attention to them before.

all i can say is thank you Baby Jesus, Mary, Joseph, Yahweh, Allah and any other deity i may have forgotten for taming the savage beast that is bear’s stomach.

yes, he entered a sample boy and left a sample man.

what the slightly neurotic homebound do

the flu season has hit my family hard this year.

i am going on 2 weeks of sequester and seclusion with little dashes out into society.

what does one do when sequestered and forced to stay home?

well, i started by cleaning bedrooms.

by the time i was done i had taken out 6 bags of garbage and 8 bags to thrift stores.

i even found a humidifier in my son’s room that had been missing for a year.

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there are no monsters under the bed, i kicked their trash out!

next, i watched my son think it was a good idea to take the garbage out without any shoes on……in the snow…….in sub-freezing weather.

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then i watched as he realized how bad of an idea that actually was.

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then i taught my other son some wicked ninja moves.

so wicked that he was referring to himself as ‘the fat panda’ when the carnage was complete.

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finally, i thought i would fight the straight hair epidemic that is sweeping the nation by bringing back the 80s one perm at a time.

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and in doing this stand against straightness, i realized one very important thing:

i should remain in my role as a follower, not a leader.

please get me out of this house!!!

dear mom and dad

dear mom and dad,

i just wanted to let you know, gently, that your grandson, bear, has developed an obsession with a chipette.

specifically this one:

we can only hope he is able to get a piece of the chipette empire.

though this may come as a shock, remember your granddaughter, queen, has an unusual obsession with chuck e.

my children are attracted to rodents.

signing off with high hopes for your progeny,

your daughter.

i have time tonight, so let’s just do two posts in one day

fall is beautiful.

it makes people want to dress their family in matching clothes, go stand in some leaves, and smile with a sense of euphoria that makes one sigh.

and then there is us.

this is our attempt at a family picture.

can you guess which one is talking in every picture?

can you guess which one is pretending to read?

can you guess which one is trying to remove my hand?

and that, gentle reader, is why we have exactly one family picture on our wall.

a letter to the editor, who is also me, directed at the public

 

dear people who have decided to procreate and have a say in the future generation,

i understand they are children.

i understand children will look at my children.

they are different.

different cannot help but be noticed.

different is good.

the problem starts when the same child decides to stare at my child with an open mouth, non-stop, walking backwards to continue staring.

the problem starts when you see them staring and do not stop it.

you see, my child has just as much right as your child to be in a store without being stared at.

since you were not inclined to explain to your child why one should not stare, i was forced to bend over until i got your child’s attention and then stare, at eye-level, at your child until your child ran into the back of you trying to get away.

see?

no one likes to be stared at.

here’s a little reminder if you are ever in doubt what to teach your children: