just your average stroll through town

since ben has been relegated to home until the meds get where the meds need to be, we have been taking walks.

yesterday, we walked to the library and then the store.

along the way ben decided to turn to me and say “kneel before your royal son.”

unfortunately for ben, he does not realize this queen mother bends the knee for no one.

seeing that no bowing was going to take place, we continued on our walk.

as we neared the crosswalk he said, “i may not be smart, but i know what road kill is.”

luckily, we crossed the street with no near mishaps and no road kill seen.


we made it to the library, which i strategically planed to happen during nap time for the 1.2 million little children that live in our fair city because ben has now developed a zero tolerance for crying children.

my plan worked perfectly, it was quiet,  and all that were around were old people. i did not actually see them, but i could catch faint whiffs of old people smell. it was perfect, that is, until we were checking out and a lone baby let out a long wail.

“don’t worry mom, i got this.” ben said as he turned to go nanny-fy the baby.

ben’s idea of being a nanny looks kinda like this:


on a side note, if you need a babysitter, ben is suddenly available.


he should have come with an instruction manual.

my bear is roaring.

ben can go from 0-60 in seconds flat.

ben can be dancing at a school program, saying ‘bravo!’ while clapping and smiling and then suddenly dragging me along the hallway like a rag doll trying to get a 2 year old that was crying in a matter of seconds.

ben can have 4 adults trying to restrain and calm him….and win.

ben can smack me upside the head hard enough to make my ears ring simply because i took a bag of sunflower seeds away from him.

ben can be loving.

ben can be funny.

ben can be helpful.

ben can be so, so happy.

we have read and researched masses of behavioral methods.

we have him on meds that have helped up until now.

one does not hold their son in their arms and think ‘one day, you will be on anti psychotic medication and we will be concerned to go anywhere there might be little kids for fear of you wanting to hurt them.’

one does not expect that one day they will stand there and think ‘well, i know i can take punches and still stay standing, maybe i could win a few fist fights.’ after being hit by their son.

i want someone to come and tell me to do steps a,b,and c and you will get d. if you see triggers e,f,and g do step h and all will de-escalate.

i am grateful that i can still help him calm down and fearful of his size and the damage he can do before he calms down.

why can there not be an instruction manual that would answer every single question i have?

i want ben to be able to stay the happy, calm, content kid we know he is. i truly don’t feel he likes these episodes of complete anxiety and anger. i have seen his remorse afterwards and his exhaustion when it is done.

i want life to be easier for ben.

until then, i plan on watching a few more rocky movies.


this is ben’s man area. you can see all his movies, toy story characters, scene it games, and of course, a skeleton that he insists stays there given his past obsession with hotel transylvania.


i sure do love me some benny bear.

pencil box=violence

ben has had a rocky start to school.

one peer tutor bit.

one peer tutor hit.

one teacher hit, two days in a row.

these have been isolated instances. he seems to like the once a day approach as to not use all his moves too soon.

i would much rather prefer his moves stay on his body.

i can’t help but wonder if it is the pencil box he picked out for school that has brought out this bad boy persona.


i did not know they made a pencil box with spikes.

who does he think he is? pony boy?


i thought we were evening out the tough guy pencil box when he picked the super mario toothbrush for his hygiene kit at school.


the teeth marks on the peer tutor’s hand tell me i am mistaken in this assumption.

welcome to school year 2014/15.

life lessons learned yesterday and today

we planned a lovely picnic  today up the canyon at our favorite park.

our van had other ideas and refused to start in an act of outright rebellion.

i hate this van, i loathe this van, i would give this van up for adoption without blinking an eye.

in fact, it gives me angry eyes.

in its defense, the van was finally just giving us what we rightfully deserve after years of abuse and use.

unfortunately, bear did not understand why the van was not working and let it be known…..


here is where some life lessons were learned.

1) my son can really hurt me physically.

2) not only did it cause physical pain today, it caused my heart to break.

3) my son and daughter had to step in to help get their brother to stop hurting me.

4) this broke my heart even more.

5) once i let my tears come, which is rarely, it is very hard to stop them. it is like a damn that has been holding everything back that suddenly broke and i cannot stop the flow.

6) i realize that i have amazing children who can calm their brother with patience and maturity beyond their years.

7) this is not to feel sorry for myself, this is simply how it is. my heart does hurt, my heart does break, i do wonder if i am doing enough for my children and when it is all calm again and another storm has been weathered i realize we are closer than we were when we started.

and finally the most important life lesson learned:

8) just because you find a rabbit in a park and bring it home in a build-a-bear box does not mean you are magically a rabbit owner.

the only rabbits allowed in this house must look like this:

i might be holding much in

“how did it go?” the hubby asked over the phone.

“my cheeks are flamin’ red.” i told him.

“uh-oh, that bad huh?”

my cheeks are very good indicators of my current mood.

we were back in the psych’s office, with the ex, discussing what to do next with bear.

“we just don’t have any problems. ever.” the ex said.

“and how do you do it, what do you call yourself, the ‘alpha  male?’ how exactly did you come to this point?” i asked barely controlling my anger.

“i don’t know, bear just knows where he stands with me.”

“and is that because he fears you? is that what made you ‘alpha male?’

“look i am not going to get in an aggressive argument with you.” he is such a jerk.

“i am simply asking why bear is afraid of you.”

he then proceeded, the ex, to swing his arm at bear like he was going to hit him.

“there, do you think if i beat him that he would have just sat there and not flinched?”

i was thinking of making my own swing at him, the ex, not bear.

“um, no actually, i don’t think that really proves anything.” said the psych.

the ex admitted that he has swat bear, but he can count on one hand how many times. he said it was only when bear bit him.

“i thought you just said bear never bites you.” i added.

“you want to know that last time?! i can tell you exactly, 5 years ago.”

hooray for numbers pulled out of thin air.

the ex says sure bear has a mean little temper on him, sure he has some fits, sure he does his crazy laugh, sure he does risky things sometimes but that is all controlled by him, the alpha male and brushing his teeth.


i said a few more things,

he said a few more things.

i told jim that him wanting the kids for all of july is the worst idea i have ever heard.

then i knew i would get nowhere near what bear needs if i kept the verbal fight with him.

“jim, i am sorry. i took my frustrations out of you. i apologize.”  i said swallowing every bit of anger i was feeling at the moment and feeling my cheeks burn even more.

“thank you.” was all he said.

then proceeded to take over the appointment.

at first i was angry at the psych.

but then as i was able to control my anger more i realized he was arguing for bear.

he was proving with questions that made it seem jim was in charge to prove that bear has bi-polar.

“so, by what you are telling me, you can re-created these situations of bear’s crazy laugh and anger situations? by your argument it sounds like you could.” the psych said.

“well, no, that is not what i am saying, i am just saying we have polar opposite parenting styles. i am not going to talk him through it, he knows where he stands.”

“and what do you want.” the psych asked me.

“i want my son happy. i want my son on an even keel. i never dreamed i would have to fight my son and hold him down. i want my son, the one we see who is happy and funny and so easy to take anywhere.”  i felt myself starting to cry. i HATE showing emotion in front of the ex.

the end of the story is that bear should be on risperdal.

but guess what?

the ex has to think about it and then call the psych to give his permission.

when the ex left the psych said it was obvious that jim’s wife answers in ways to make sure she does contradict him.

you know what i dreamed last night?

that i beat up three men.

at once.

i broke one of their arms.

and i laughed.

i have got to find a release for some anger i think.

a conference of great minds

last thursday night, bear had an epic meltdown at bedtime.

we knew it was coming, just did not realize it would be the worst we have experienced to date.

bear had spent the day/evening highly agitated, more pronounced tics, watching the same scene over and over in a movie, broke the remote by pounding the tv, tried attacking and was really sweaty and red-faced.

we thought we had diffused a little bit of the situation when the hubby played hard-core with bear for about 45 minutes.

then came bed time.

bear decided queen was going to pay.


bear and i scuffled for about an hour.

he is getting so strong people, so so strong.

he can buck even with my body weight on him.

i am NOT little.

the hubby was getting increasingly agitated watching the smack down and decided to step in.

the worst thing that could happen.

in the moment, we are both buzzed by what is happening.

we are in a for real fight situation only it is our son we are fighting.

i barked at the hubby to just leave and take queen, who by this time was beside herself with fear.

we rarely snap at each other and he was NOT happy about leaving.

by the time it was done there was some damage.

i truly think i am blessed though, maybe given a high pain tolerance for a reason because God knew what was coming down my pipeline.

i don’t feel the pain when bear is inflicting it.

the next day, yeah, no one could touch my arms and somehow bear got an excellent kidney kick in that still hurts.

bear sobbed the most heart-broken cry for 30 minutes while laying next to me as i told him how amazing he is and that i am proud he was finally able to control it. he looked at the blood on my arms and hands and cried even harder.

my heart aches.

the next day, when the hubby and i had time to cool off, we talked about the barking incident.

“do you understand i cannot watch my wife get beat up? it makes me feel rage! why do you not let me step in?”

there is a good reason, i promise.

you see, i can hold bear down, fight him, subdue him and sometimes have to drag him in a room by his feet because  that is the only part that will not hurt at the moment and bear will forgive me within minutes after it is done.

the hubby on the other, well if he does any of that with bear, bear does not forgive him.

for a very VERY long time.

the hubby fills a need in bear’s life that i cannot even begin to fill.

the hubby can throw bear around, torture him, play timber, tickle torture, patty cake timber, helicopter and let’s bear play just as hard back.

i cannot do that.

bear needs that sensory badly.

we have our roles in bear’s life.

each is so important.

its the balancing of our roles that is sometimes the hardest thing we have to do.

a sure sign somebody loves you

how does one show true love?

by tearing off the epidermis with their fingernail while mad in the shape of a heart

(that’s right mikey, i hurried home from church to get this up before you got home.)

family movie night

we watched this movie last nightin the movie a black flame candle must be lit by a virgin to summon the witches back from the dead.

it was.

which led to the following bedtime conversation between chicka and keats

“you could totally light the candle keats, you are the right age.”

“no i could not for two reasons:

1. i am not a virgin”

the hubby and i have no idea what the second reason was because we were stifling laughter at this point.

“oh, i guess you can’t then.” was the final consensus from chicka.

my new grudge

i personally hold Pixar responsible for making this impossible

by showing this in all the toy story movies

there are now parents across the world who have fallen in their children’s eyes because they can’t draw Big Al on the etch a sketch.


thanks a lot.

a career we know he won’t be having

this morning bear went on the paper route with me.

that’s what he gets for waking up at 3:30 am.

i handed him a paper and told him to throw it out the window.

he did.

then looked at me and said ,

“please stop it now.”

no tips for bear this morning.