booby war continues

as you are aware, we have had fascination with boobies and all that goes with it for a while.

while swimming at our local rec center, benjamin, was delighted to see that the woman with the biggest breasts in the entire rec center and smallest bikini top come into the hot tub where he just happened to be relaxing.

me?

not so much.

“benjamin, don’t stare.” i reminded him.

and bless his heart, he did not, though it was an epic struggle.

i was feeling pretty good about our trip to booby paradise and thought we could leave the rec center having not made anyone uncomfortable and our heads held high, that is, until we were putting on our shoes.

“boobies!” ben said while pointing.

i turned to look and see him pointing at a man, who did have boobies, but probably did not need to have that fact pointed out.

another rec center, another walk of shame.

shame

on a different note, i looked over at emma during church yesterday, to see her reading her book about lizards and their mating rituals.

it was the most enlightening moment i had in church.

change

boobies

the bear is your typical, red-blooded, hormone driven teen-age boy.

he is also your normal, red-blooded, autistic, non-filter teen-age boy.

when these two worlds collide, be ready for the summer of boobies.

we went to lava hot springs last week.

or, as bear seems to think, bikini wonderland.

“belly buttons!!” he told me while walking in.

“yep, that is a nice belly button. don’t stare.” it seems to work better if we acknowledge his belly button find.

he has also learned to power of the swim goggles.

he likes to float around with his floatie around his middle and dive under with his goggles when the girls get close.

we spend a lot of time pulling him and his goggles away.

at the lake, as i was cleaning things up to head home, i looked over to see bear bending over examining a belly button very closely.

the girl had no idea a 6’1″, 237 lb hulk was checking out her belly button as she was blissfully tanning with her eyes closed.

her family behind her did, and they were laughing their heads off.

me?

not so much.

i got this picture when bear realized there were girls sitting across from him and suddenly decided to sit on the edge of the hot tub.

005

helloooooooo ladies.

i should feel some responsibility of my own in his ogling trait he seems to have inherited.

i did a bit of that myself when a walking photo shop of a man walked into the pool.

i am serious, he looked like he had been photo shopped, he was that perfect.

before you judge me, the happily married man playing with his kids next to me also thought this man was exceptional.

how do i know this?

probably by the holy trilogy he uttered as the man walked in.

i have learned in this whole puberty shenanigans with bear, that is does not matter if the dude has mental disabilities or is as normal as corn in kansas, boys will be boys.

puberty

 

 

comes without filter, installation required

bear has gone through some interesting phases.

there was the insisting he should only wear a robe all day every day. that lasted about a week.

then there was the time that once the car was in the parking spot, there was no reversing to correct………ever. that also applied if you were pulling out of the driveway to leave, you MUST NOT pull back in for any reason, even if you forgot something……..EVER. that lasted years.

but now, now we are entering in the puberty stage.

how did i know we were entering the puberty stage? when i went to the store to buy queen some underwear and bear was with me, one look at the package cover and he was bent over grabbing himself saying “help me!!!” and just like that i had a pubescent 13-year-old.

i mention this to explain my following letter to the two women at the pool.

dear ladies who thought they were in the Caribbean,

i am genuinely happy that you have the bodies that look like you only eat once a day, and by eating once a day i mean an orange that you moved by your nose while saying “mmmm, zesty!” and then considered yourself full having never even taken a bite here is what i do not understand.

why in the diddly-hell did you feel the need to lounge by the kids section of the pool in your triangle-barely-there-string bikini?!

are you trying to impress the 5-year-olds?

maybe the teen-age life guards?

maybe the average mr. joe plumber who just looked at his average mrs. joe plumber wife and dreamed just a little?

please for the love of all that is holy and stretch-marked put some damn clothes on.

oh, for the days of full swimsuits.sincerely,

the mother of un-filtered 13-year-old boy.

that’s right, bear does not have a filter. if he sees something he likes (like belly buttons) he points to that belly button while saying “look mom!!” with me dragging him away telling him we don’t point, and yes i see, and yes i see what it does to you.

bear is very kind that way, if it is something he likes, he just assumes every one will like it too.

given the pool side fashionistas, we are  doing a lot of dragging at the pool these days.

it does not just keep to the pool. have you ever really looked at the disney characters? belly buttons galore, not to mention tiny waists and well-defined boobs. it has made me realize two things: 1) movie time just changed drastically for bear. and 2) there are a lot of disney animators with unfulfilled teen fantasies.

i know eventually we will get the filter installed with bear.

and i know that this is a life-long thing of admiring belly buttons and boobs.

how do i know this?

i am married.