happy birthday mr. president

dear hubby,

today is your big day, and being as it is your big day, i can’t help but think about myself.

myself and all the adventures you have given me.

cue melancholy music now:

flute

like that time i waited 3.5 hours for you in pocatello.

or the blue peanut m&m you dropped while driving, then went searching for it on the floor of your truck, while still driving.

or that guy you rear-ended while searching for that blue m&m. totally understandable, it was a peanut m&m.

or when we were driving to the airport and i rolled down the window to vomit yelling at you to pull over between heaves, at which point you thought i was telling you how to drive and responded with “i know what exit to take!” you still loved me even with vomit on the side of your car.

how about when there was construction on I90 and the cement barriers used to separate northbound and southbound traffic to keep motorists safe did not deter your free spirit, you just went up on those babies with two wheels in your hot little honda civic.

you made ricky bobby proud that day.

ricky

my personal favorite was when i looked over at you driving with one eye closed.

“why do you have one eye closed?” i asked while flying down the freeway at 70 mph.

“i have double vision, i did not want to worry you replied.” you replied.

my love, you had me worried with your logic of not worrying me while driving with one eye closed.

life with you has been just like this:

and if i was your mistress, sultry, and sexy, i would sing you happy birthday like this:

but since i am none of the above, i will say happy birthday like this:

redneck

what alarm clock?

well, i did it again.

woke up in my bed, when i should have actually been at work, working, which is what working folk do.

unless, of course, you are me.

i would be classified as a sleeping folk.

52 minutes late today.

that means my carpool buddy was 52.2 minutes late. i clocked in first.

carpool

things i have going for me:

1) no one wants my job where i work.

2) it is peak season, they are taking anyone they can get, as in no drug test required, ever.

3) i am trying to care.

i think tonight when i go to bed, i will actually remember to turn on my alarm clock, or just fall asleep with the light on, wake up thinking it is the sun, and that i have missed my shift completely, therefore panicking while running around in my underwear.

true story, happened before.

alarm

licking is not a bad influence

i found myself at the local grocery store with other cheap minded individuals, vying for the end of day donuts at remarkably low prices, when the following conversation took place.

“do you think that is lemon filled or just custard?” the woman next to me asked about the donuts, she also happened to be a complete stranger.

“i don’t know, let’s look closer.” i told her.

we were shoulder to shoulder, hunched over, with our foreheads pressed against the glass.

“it is yellow, it could be either.” she said.

“i dare you to lick it and find out.” i whispered to her.

she looked at me shocked and said “i would never, in a million years, do that. never.”

“i wouldn’t tell.” i told here while still standing should to shoulder, hunched over with our foreheads no longer pressed against the glass but facing each other making eye contact.

she then saw my two daughters standing behind us watching the whole exchange.

“your mother is a bad influence on you.” she said while walking away.

she never did find out if the donuts were lemon or custard.

you know, people just don’t take friendly advice like they used to.

advice

just your average stroll through town

since ben has been relegated to home until the meds get where the meds need to be, we have been taking walks.

yesterday, we walked to the library and then the store.

along the way ben decided to turn to me and say “kneel before your royal son.”

unfortunately for ben, he does not realize this queen mother bends the knee for no one.

seeing that no bowing was going to take place, we continued on our walk.

as we neared the crosswalk he said, “i may not be smart, but i know what road kill is.”

luckily, we crossed the street with no near mishaps and no road kill seen.

road

we made it to the library, which i strategically planed to happen during nap time for the 1.2 million little children that live in our fair city because ben has now developed a zero tolerance for crying children.

my plan worked perfectly, it was quiet,  and all that were around were old people. i did not actually see them, but i could catch faint whiffs of old people smell. it was perfect, that is, until we were checking out and a lone baby let out a long wail.

“don’t worry mom, i got this.” ben said as he turned to go nanny-fy the baby.

ben’s idea of being a nanny looks kinda like this:

bear

on a side note, if you need a babysitter, ben is suddenly available.

no i don’t, you do.

while running a practice with the girls i coach for basketball, i kept thinking ‘man, someone needs to put deodorant on.’

imagine my surprise when i returned home to realize it was me that needed a little bit of secret.

secret

i don’t care who you are, that is just some fancy secret.

secret

i plan to be strong and sparkle all at once.

i should have realized that i may have been the culprit sooner.

i coach 10 year old girls.

dear man vacuuming your driveway yesterday,

good on ya man, good on ya.

sincerely,

the unexpectedly jealous of your driveway.

i am living with cinderella

emma picked out her new shoes for the cold season this weekend.

she chose the nice, comfy, warm boots to complete her sense of style and fashion.

boots

when one puts on boots, one usually know to push down with the heel to get the boot to fit.

that is, unless you are queen emma, who feels that all she should have to do is point her toes and expect all the magic to happen magically.

who does she think she is, cinderella? i am not a mouse and those boots sure aren’t glass slippers.

glass

after some sweating, on my part, and coaxing, and begging her to push down with her heel, we seem to be making progress.

yet another thing she has made me not take for granted, the power of the heel push.

on a different note, the girls and i had a moment of boredom one saturday that led to us discussing who could jump in the air and click their heels together, which led to another argument of whether the heels were actually touching, which led to the camera being brought in to take pictures of alleged heel clicking, which led to ANTM poses while jumping, which led to who could jump the highest contest.

168 170 177 178 179 180

in case anyone was wondering. i won.

he should have come with an instruction manual.

my bear is roaring.

ben can go from 0-60 in seconds flat.

ben can be dancing at a school program, saying ‘bravo!’ while clapping and smiling and then suddenly dragging me along the hallway like a rag doll trying to get a 2 year old that was crying in a matter of seconds.

ben can have 4 adults trying to restrain and calm him….and win.

ben can smack me upside the head hard enough to make my ears ring simply because i took a bag of sunflower seeds away from him.

ben can be loving.

ben can be funny.

ben can be helpful.

ben can be so, so happy.

we have read and researched masses of behavioral methods.

we have him on meds that have helped up until now.

one does not hold their son in their arms and think ‘one day, you will be on anti psychotic medication and we will be concerned to go anywhere there might be little kids for fear of you wanting to hurt them.’

one does not expect that one day they will stand there and think ‘well, i know i can take punches and still stay standing, maybe i could win a few fist fights.’ after being hit by their son.

i want someone to come and tell me to do steps a,b,and c and you will get d. if you see triggers e,f,and g do step h and all will de-escalate.

i am grateful that i can still help him calm down and fearful of his size and the damage he can do before he calms down.

why can there not be an instruction manual that would answer every single question i have?

i want ben to be able to stay the happy, calm, content kid we know he is. i truly don’t feel he likes these episodes of complete anxiety and anger. i have seen his remorse afterwards and his exhaustion when it is done.

i want life to be easier for ben.

until then, i plan on watching a few more rocky movies.

rocky

this is ben’s man area. you can see all his movies, toy story characters, scene it games, and of course, a skeleton that he insists stays there given his past obsession with hotel transylvania.

001

i sure do love me some benny bear.