we walked approximately 520 miles

the local grocery store where ben rents movies is .7 miles from our house.

1.4 miles round trip, that is unless you bring ben.

ben feels the need to step on every single leaf he sees on the sidewalk.

it is fall, as in leaves are falling every where.

our 1.4 mile walk turned into a marathon of leaf massacre that spanned at least the state of utah.

viva la fall.

fall

she speaks!

i was downstairs singing to emma the song ‘hooked on a feeling’ by blue swede when she suddenly says:

“good song.”

i LOVE how she can rock my world and make me a giggling mess with just two little words.

and that, gentle readers, is the power of a non-verbal autistic girl suddenly finding two words.

this is the song that makes all non-verbal people feel suddenly talkative.

why it is easy to disown your children

this past weekend was fall break, which means we spent 4 days of unadulterated family fun.

my children spent 4 days of secretly being disowned by me.

“you may not have boobs, but you sure got a booty!” said disowned child #1.

poopie

“i can’t help it, i have to laugh at you every time you smile. now smile again so i can laugh at you.” said disowned child #2.

“ohmygosh!!!!! she has taken all the hand and body soap AGAIN!” i lamented while disowning child #3.

“you used to be so gorgeous.” said disowned child #1, who was disowned again, while she was looking at pictures taken 3 years ago. apparently, the last three years have aged me exponentially.

“please, please, just wear deodorant. seriously, just put it on.” i begged disowned child #4. this child was disowned on smell alone.

behavior

that will teach them a stern lesson when they read my will and realize the hundreds i have left behind is going to some obscure charity.

charity

who’s gorgeous now?

read instructions before lifting lip

‘DO NOT lift lip to see stitches or gums’ the instruction sheet said about my oral surgery.

“huh,” i thought to myself, “wish i would have read this 5 minutes ago.”

you see, i had spent the last 5 minutes looking in the mirror with my lip firmly grasped between my fingers lifted up to see the sutures and gums.

but, knowing me as only i can know myself, if i got the same surgery tomorrow, i would still be in front of the mirror as soon as i got home lifting my lip.

score one for curiosity.

cat

hot pot ettiquette

this last weekend i took the kids hiking to the hot pots which happen to be natural hot springs that attract nudist, wine drinkers, exhibitionists, dog lovers, and families.

an interesting combination.

dog

if you notice in the above picture, these people like to keep their dog BESIDE the hot pot that drains down into other hot pots that other people like to soak in.

this did not happen when we were there. the people in the pot above me thought it was a good idea to let their dogs soak with them.

i am glad you love your dog, i don’t love your dog. nor all your dog hair that is now streaming down into the other pots because you thought your dog love was share-able. just a little secret, not everyone likes wet dog smell.

smell

but what really made your dog love sharing the best, was when both your dogs shook all the water off right by everybody.

that was awesome.

wet

not to be outdone by the dog love, the exhibitionists were busy getting their exhibition on in the lower pot. when i was describing their escapades to a co-worker, he asked why i did not shame them into stopping.

she was already laying on top of him and kissing his nipples, i don’t think shame is what they were going for.

on an upside, that whole birds and bees conversation was taken care of.

birds

it caused actual, physical pain to watch her play

in february, my daughter was invited to try out for a 12U fast pitch softball team.

she was 9.

12U means you can be age 13 and the size of a line backer and still be eligible.

she made the team.

at the very first game of their very first tournament, ella was informed she would be catcher. she had played catcher exactly one time before this announcement, the day before in practice.

“sure, why not.” she said when they handed her the shiny new catcher gear.

my thoughts were more along the lines of “what the $%^^???”

that first game they played can only be described as painful. physically, emotionally, and psychologically painful. i understand they were a brand new team, and a young team, i mean their catcher was 9 years old, but i was seriously doubting my judgment as a parent allowing her to participate in this.  it got to the point that the parents were searching deep within their souls to try to find something good to cheer their girls on.

“you only allowed 15 runs that inning, you rock!”

“you only over threw the base by 50 ft instead of the usual 100 ft! good on ya!”

“maybe next time you might want to throw that ball instead of just holding it to get the person out, good job though.”

basically, we lied our heads off telling them they were doing good.

ella turned 10 during the course of this season, she is the second smallest girl on her team. fall league ended last night with her team having a winning record for fall. this was after losing approximately 30 games in a row. ella stuck with it as catcher and did not allow any stolen runs at home for the majority of the games, even against 14U teams that had girls that were up to 15 years old, the size of andre the giant, and had beards. during the last 5 games of the season, every at bat resulted in her getting on base.

my favorite memory of her is when she took on a very large 13 year old who was charging in to steal home. ella ended up landing on top of her as the girl took her out and knocked the ball out of ella’s mitt. ella, seeing the girl had slid short of home, starting scrambling over the top of her to get the ball. the girl, realizing she was short of home, started trying to scoot on her butt the last few inches to be safe, but found the travel rather difficult with a 10 year old clad in catcher gear scrambling over the top of her stomach. it was a hard hit that had coaches from both teams coming onto the field to check on ella, all she said was “let’s play this game!”

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as you can see by the picture of ella and her sister, ella does have a distinct size disadvantage in this league. so proud of that girl, she took some beatings, gave some beatings, and is so much cooler than i will ever be.

it’s the family picture time of year again

yes, fall is in the air. people are starting to think of cider, pumpkins, changing color of leaves and matching family outfits.

matching outfits you ask?

yes, it is family picture time. time for the masses to bundle up in fall colors and pretend you love your family for that one magical shot that will grace all the christmas cards you send out this year.

awkward

we are not different, except that we don’t try to match and we just hope for anything that might resemble a family picture

this year is no different. this year we did not even try to comb their hair. in fact, we did not even tell them we would be trying to get all of them in one picture. we just went up a canyon where no one would hear their screams and made them sit on a log.

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there is not a single picture where all of them are even pretending to look in the same direction. one even seems to be cradling his head in despair.

as you can also see, our dog is making his presence known by walking back and forth in the picture. not quite the creature i was looking for.

centaur

hello christmas, here comes the stodmors!