the new parent

as you all know, summer vacation is here.

i have decided early on to make my parenting much easier by bringing in a new parent.

so far it works like a charm.

“mom, can we stay up?”

“ask the magic 8 ball.”

“mom, can i run with these really sharp scissors?”

“ask the magic 8 ball.”

“mom, can i bring this new pet in that seems to have rabies?”

“ask the magic 8 ball.”

“mom, i am hungry, can you fix us something to eat?”

and you guessed it,

“ask the magic 8 ball.”

no arguments, no talking back, just acceptance of the inevitable.

one does not question the magic 8 ball answers.

this product and post is strongly approved by me, mother, and user of the magic 8 ball.

i am thinking a ouija board is in my future.

i wax poetic, and i also took cold medicine

 

summer vacation,

you’re finally here

wiping away,

every school year tear

now listen dear children,

if you should appear

‘fore mid-morning is near

out you shall go

on your cute little rear.

after taking cold medicine last night, i found myself at the wal mart parking lot trying to get my kids in the big van only to see queen pick up a crying child and comfort her.

then i saw a  family building a bon fire in the middle of the parking lot lighting fireworks, one of which flew into my hair and caught it on fire. the woman did not even feel bad, she said ‘think of the children and let it go’ my vanity was not willing to let this happen as most of my head was bald at the moment.

i then realized my dog was not in the van yet and went looking for her in the parking lot only to find her with an oriental family who had put a saddle on her and was giving their child a ride.

she is a basset hound, that saddle was a little much.

finally getting everyone in the car, i turned to leave the parking lot, only to realize that it had rained too much and the mud just carried us down a huge hill that then required me to fill out insurance forms just to be allowed to drive back up the hill.

and an instructor was there to show me how.

that is the last time i will be taking cold medication before bed.

faster than a speeding sloth

when playing chase with our bear, you realize a few things

1: stopping, focusing, and taking a picture are all doable while bear is still chasing you.

2: although he may not be stunningly fleet-footed, he is stunningly determined and you had better keep moving.

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i have also learned from bear that if you have the sudden urge to clasp your hands behind your back and do a tap routine in the middle of the cleaning supplies aisle at winco, then by all means, do it!

and expect applause afterwards.

i have learned that one knows how to show happiness by singing falsetto and dancing in the kitchen while watching breakfast being made.

and i learned the proper technique for climbing up small hills.

004learn it.

live it.

love it.

it could one day save your life.

 

wandering down rambling lane

the best part of church yesterday?

the teacher working in the work ‘sphincter-ally’ while teaching the lesson.

while the teacher said the word, their hands were clasped in fists to make the point.

i am not quite sure the context it was used in the sentence for, i was too busy giggling and the image in my head was just too much.

one day i will grow up.

no picture will be used to explain this word.

i am afraid my husband is having an affair.

an affair with the winco bulk food section.

he leaves work to sneak over there.

it all came to an ugly head when he showed up with dried hummus and reconstituted hash browns.

our marriage is in a dark place right now.

yesterday, my daughter was having bad cramps and asked to leave church early.

“i want to leave too.” my son piped up.

“are you having pms cramps?” i asked.

“no.” he replied.

“you need to have pms cramps to get out of church.” i said.

for the first time in my son’s life, he wished he was a girl.

i looked out the window and saw the kids left the umbrella on the trampoline.

it is raining and the umbrella is all wet now.

i found myself very irritated until i realized one thing.

it’s an umbrella.

they are supposed to get wet.

i did not have kids to amuse them, i had them to amuse myself

i freely admit that i tease my children.

it is my God-given right.

or wiccan.

or pagan.

whatever works for my gentle readers.

there was a time i told the kids they could pick out anything they wanted in the store that was under $1 and i would buy it for them, they ran off giddy with joy that i actually let them pick something out.

we were at costco.

the hubby still says it was so mean, yet he can’t stop laughing.

i say i got my shopping done extra quick that day because they were off looking instead of asking me for everything.

then there was the time i convinced them that after their strep test they could not talk for 10 minutes.

i even started the timer on my watch for them to tell them exactly when they could talk again.

they listened so well, they would not even answer the doctor’s questions.

i gave in at 3 minutes.

last night, i convinced my daughter that one side of her headphones were broken.

every time she would put the headphone on, i would just turn down the volume and pretend i could hear it in the side i was listening to.

it’s just too easy.

it’s just too amusing.

i can’t stop.

this morning i tried to convince my daughter she was color blind by telling her my eyes were actually brown when she mentioned how blue they are.

“what do you mean blue?” i asked.

“they are blue.” she said.

“honey, my eyes are brown, always have been.” when i say this with a concerned look in my eyes, it helps.

the hubby was standing next to me and i thought i could immediately get him to help.

“honey, what color are my eyes, blue or brown?”

“blue.” he said with a confused look on his face as to why i was asking.

“HA! i knew it!!!!” the daughter said as she walked off.

obviously, the teasing and making my children think they are color blind falls firmly on my shoulders.

a mother’s job is never light and never done.

 

my daughter feels i ruined her life this morning

my youngest daughter has a very distinct style all her own.

she believes that basketball shorts, converse high tops, and t-shirts are all she should have to wear.

no hair products, ribbons, barrettes, or curls are allowed.

unless she is wearing this:

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this morning, i began ruining her life by picking out her outfit.

i made her life a complete shamble by picking out white shorts and a cute shirt ( i don’t have a picture because she would not allow it.)

i put the proverbial nail in the coffin with a barrette in her hair.

its official, her life was over.

she hates me.

which made the start to my mothering day a total success.

 

bear the nanny

bear and queen do not like crying children.

or loud children.

or children, small ones that is.

we were at the gateway food plaza in slc when a small child decided to throw a fit because she did not get what she wanted.

bear let it slide for a bit, then started with the ‘be quiet baby.’

then ‘be quiet baby’ with a little more gusto.

then he thought he heard the phone call for a nanny 911 intervention.

as no such call was actually made, keats jumped in to intercede the nanny smack down.

let me give you a little visual in the body types of my two boys.

keats:

bear:

luckily, keats won, but i will say this about the intervention.

that kid shut-up immediately.

and did not make a peep again.

anyone need a nanny?