move over martha

last night i made mango/raspberry bbq chicken with an olive oil/dijon mustard base.

i know, i was rockin’ it.

ok, i’m lying.

first start with this:

then pick out whatever salad dressing you have sitting in your fridge and throw it in the  bag.

don’t use these, people will have a higher expectation of you just seeing them in your house.

next pour a little dijon mustard in (i use dijon just because it sounds fancy even though it squirts out of the bottle just as well as regular mustard.)

i don’t actually add any olive oil, i just say olive oil base because that ingredient was in the salad dressing i used last night and it sounded like i followed a recipe.

then marinade.

while the chicken is in the marinade you can do something fancy like watching re-runs of the bachelor cuz that is real life right there.

man i love slummin’ in the kitchen.

i wonder if i could make it on pinterest?

 

my obit…..no i did not actually die.

i was required to write my own obituary on my mortuary science class.

it is not as easy as i expected as it had to be written as an actual obit.

turns out i am boring and have lived an extremely quiet life.

ok, i am taking down the obituary, i am too superstitious and don’t want to tempt fate. i have had the heebie jeebies all day.

now to walk under a ladder.

 

the punishment

to the individual who left the empty reese’s mini peanut butter cup bag in the freezer; the same bag i was digging into to find a fix for my sudden chocolate/peanut butter mixture that only reese’s can provide, only to come up empty-handed.

and vengeful.

the punishment is as follows:

you shall be publicly flogged and sent to bed without dinner once i get the DNA and fingerprint samples back to identify the culprit.

so let it be written, so let it be done.

amen.

sincerely,

the woman who was once your mother but is now left reese’s-less.

the bird vs the cat

what started out as an innocent show-and-tell of a kitten turned into a life and death struggle.

“hey mom, i heard this cat is like a dog because it was raised by tigger.” bird told me while holding up the cat.

*tigger is mom and dad’s sheep dog, although no sheep live on the premises.

tigger, thinking he wanted to see the cat the thought it was a dog, started walking over.

the cat, who thought it might be a dog suddenly decided it did not want to share its secret lifestyle with an actual dog and started hissing.

bird, seeing that the cat was not going to share with the dog put the cat/dog down.

unfortunately, for both the bird and the cat, her long necklace refused to be parted with the cat.

its tail to be specific.

as soon as the dog saw the cat stuck, it moved in. as soon as the cat saw the dog moving in it immediately puffed up to three times it size. as soon as bird realized she was inescapably tangled with the wild animals (because all domesticity had left both breeds by this point) she began screaming and spinning in circles.

the cat now looked like this:

ok, i may be exaggerating a little bit, but i am still fairly certain it did.

the cat suddenly jumped off the ground and attached itself to the dog’s nose still firmly attached to bird’s necklace.

this brought on a new hysteria level in the bird which i thought could not be topped.

that is until the cat suddenly unattached itself from the dog and attached itself to bird’s leg.

i stand corrected.

needless to say, there was screaming. i was trying to hold bird still while getting the necklace off her while yelling for my dad to come help. people starting running outside who had been inside and the cat still hung on.

pandemonium of epic proportion was happening.

loud pandemonium.

finally the necklace was taken off, bird was carried off, the dog chased the cat off and still no dad.

what lessons did we learn?

1) never trust a cat that thinks it is a dog.

2) do NOT wear long necklaces when picking up a cat that thinks it is a dog.

3) that survival tip of ‘if you got a tiger by the tail don’t let go’ is a bad survival tip. we had a cat by the tail and it kicked our trash until we let the tail go.

4)my dad needs hearing aids.

here is bird’s leg after the attack. lots of puncture wounds on the front and back of her leg that were properly oohhed and awwed over.

this is our front screen door. we have been nursing this baby along for 10 years now. the second window pane finally fell out this summer.

now some might see this as the time to get a new screen door.

i see it as two less windows i have to wash.

God works in mysterious ways.