you know when……..

you know just how cold you are when you step into the honey bucket and are delightfully please the toilet seat is warm from the hundreds previous butts that sat on it before you. you know you don’t get compliments very often when the girl behind you in line says you don’t look old enough to have 5 kids and your first response is “can i make out with you?”

you know you need to go shopping when you sit down at the dinner table and see a roll of toilet paper in the middle of the table with the explanation from the hubby that it is to be used as napkins……..toilet paper, it ain’t just for the hinney.

you know that you must teach your children more cultural things when they don’t even bat an eye over it.

you know you might be doing something right when your child opts to not go to a friend’s birthday party (where best friend will be) to stay home and have family movie night without threat of bodily harm or exchange of money.

maybe it is my stunning personality.

off to find the perfect halloween costumes for the hubby and i.

no, i did not wait until the last possible minute, i waited for the last possible sale which might result in this: which i happen to think is a rockin’ costume.

children should not be left alone

i failed to mention the effect of the smoke-a-thon leaf session on one of my kids.

i looked over to find chicka with a wal-mart bag over her head pickin’ up walnuts off our tree, well technically off the ground.

“chicka, all experts say plastic bags should not be over your head.”

“why? it is protecting me.”

ah the logic of a child, plastic bag over the head as protection, i am putting in my paper work for mother of the year.

“well, they say it could make you stop breathing.”

“only if i do this.” she said while pulling the bag tighter around her head.

sometimes it is just better to walk away and let nature take its course.

while listening to an ad on the radio i learned that i am on the cusp of two diseases.

why is this ad so believable? they used big words like ‘neurological.’

turns out if i am impulsive, don’t like to drive in the rain, dark, or get ticketd while driving i have the onset of dementia or Alzheimer’s……

it has been great remembering you all.

last but not least, i have noticed this add at the bottom of some of my posts suddenly i feel a little guilty as i don’t even recycle my own garbage.

a useful skill i should have learned

burning the leaves did not go as well as we had hoped.

we did succeed in making oodles of smoke that filled the backyard, front yard, neighbor’s yard, house, and basically all the yards in a 100 mile radius.

in fact, i am pretty sure if i knew how to communicate with smoke signals i would have gotten a response from the mir space station. and that is why we were the most popular neighbor in the hood.

i am finally able to speak of it.

for the past about 8 years our neighbors, we’ll call them the lifferths to protect their identity, have been asking us to go hiking with them.

this year was no different.

“come do ding and dang with us, it is an easy hike, even queen and bear could do it.” they wheedled.

now for those of you who may not know, queen is the one i was bragging about winning her first race earlier this school year.

i also pointed out the kid she was racing was blind and had leg braces AND there were two people pushing queen from behind.

SO…..when they say even queen and bear can do this hike i am expected a leisurely stroll with specialty drinks. instead of brining the queen and bear, i brought my two girls and niece ages 9 and 7 respectively.

i should have had some clue upon our arrival at the welcoming gate when the first car asked for directions to the trail head  and the nice ranger lady said “you should not bring kids on that hike, it is too technical.” and refused to give directions to trail head.

i was still assured it was easy.

this is what i found the next day.you may note there are no specialty drinks in this picture.

here are some things we had in our favor: 1) a freak of nature hiker. how good was he? he wore white to hike in…….AND STAYED CLEAN. 2) we had a doctor in our group which was not the most important to me, because if i fell down the ‘easy hike’ i was just planning on staying there to die; he was tall……we could hand children down to him. 3) i made sure my hair was pink so if we got lost and had aerial searchers looking for us i would be spotted first.

things not in our favor: 1) bird had a cast on her arm which made grabbing onto already smooth sandstone very difficult. at one point she was seen trying to chew off her cast with her bare teeth. 2) one of our group, i will call her my niece to protect her identity, was a friggin’ water hog and drank most of our water in the first 1/2 of our hike. she will not only have her own camel pack next time, but a camel. 3) we were on this hike.

in one particular slot i was looking over the edge knowing i had to get myself and kids down and realized i needed to pull up my xena warrior princess undies and man-up. unfortunately what i was actually wearing were my hanes no-more-ride-ups hipster undies which are very unmotivating.

i looked over the edge again and informed the people behind me to go on ahead, i was planning on staying right there and living off the land.

well, we did make it out alive and have scrapes, scars, and therapist bills to prove it and i have done some research into other hikes put on by my neighbor and came to this very solid conclusion……

i am living next to hiking serial killers.

tangents in randomness

bear has found religion while watching chicken run.

i am still not sure what caused this sudden edification of his soul, all i know is that during a particularly potent scene he pointed to the tv and said ‘testify sister!’

amen.

i have been told lately that i am not a christian.

interesting.

all those pictures at church of the famous guy with a beard must be of chuck norris.i for one am so thankful that is finally settled.

testify sister.

we are going to be burning leaves this afternoon.

i am unusually excited for this.

i like fire.

testify sister.

why does wordpress offer me the chance to follow my own blog site?

seems a little narcissistic to me.

and as always, this post has been…….why?

because i am a chucktian, i believe in the chuck.

testify sister.

a vocabulary lesson

bird has always put her own spin on words.

if there is a tomorrow then there must be a tomorning.

this past week she taught me another word.

“everyone had a part but me, i was outcluded.” bird let me know.

of course if there is an included there is an outcluded.

turns out outcluded is also a verb because when a mother hears this it makes her heart squeeze.

i was able to use this word myself on a camp out.

“you are not included with the adults very often are you?”  a kid asked me.

i looked ever to see the adults all talking in a circle deciding the day’s events.

“no, i guess i always do seem to be in the kid section, i guess i am outcluded.”

“i think that is what makes you beautiful, you are a child-like adult.” this same boy said.

and i happened to find him an adult child at that moment.

i’ll be honest, i am still trying to decide if it is good to be an child-like adult or not, maybe i am not as tall as i think i actually am so i blend nicely with the natives.

then i remembered that i had just taught my two daughters and niece how to pee in the great outdoors without the use of anything indoors through a live tutorial……..

pinnacle of my mothering career to date.

on a random note,  i found this pix while searching for other pix.this sign would not give me comfort to see, although informative, at the site of my campsite because if i did see this sign i would add the picture of a car driving off.

i’m seeing in your future……

“mom, your butt is kinda big.” chicka said while smacking it.

i was doing some exercises at the time and it was up in the air in her business.

acutally, i think she crossed into my business.

“well take a good look cuz that is your future.” i replied.

as all of you know, i have a list and today she is on the unfavorite child list; all have been on it at one time or another, except queen….

she doesn’t talk.

i missed something in my formative years

as i was returning the cart to start my paper route yesterday morning, the assistant manager walked out at the same time.

“hi.” he said.

“how.” i replied.

then i froze. i dont’ know where that came from. should i acknowledge that i just went all indian chief from peter pan on him or should i make that’ how’ into an inquisitive ‘how.’after standing there a few seconds, i turned and called “are you?” i had decided to go inquisitive.

it was too long of a pause, he just turned and looked even more confused.

snap.

still trying to figure out how that was lodged deep in the recesses of the mystery called my brain.

i also have been trying to balance on one of these babies.it is surprisingly unbalance-able for me and gives cause to wonder if i missed something important in my elementary p.e. class……the first two major projects of keats’ high school career are in and i feel strongly that the diploma should just be handed to him now.

another sign of budget cuts

i went on a field trip with our bird last friday and learned a few things.

1) 2nd graders do not care nor notice if you just put a headband on your bed head and made sure the mascara was not flaked under the eyes.

2) they know a lot of alphabet games……..a……lot.

3)while climbing ginormous hay bales with the group of kids assigned to me for their safety (even i giggle at that concept) i saw a little boy looking very uncomfortable between two of these larger than usual bales of hay. “are you stuck?” i asked. “um, yes.” he replied. with some grabbing under the armpits and shimmying him back and forth i was able to excavate him from the obviously now dangerous hay bales. don’t worry, once he was excavated there was a line of 2nd graders requesting to be stuck too.

4) the school bus seats are so much smaller than they were when i was a kid. it obviously has to do with budget cuts and the inability to furnish the bus with bigger seats and not the fact that my butt is so much bigger.

obviously.

why we are peas and carrots

i find my hubby’s chewed gum all over the place; the kitchen table, above the microwave, the kitchen counter, the bathroom, by the cookie jar………sometimes it is still wet from his spit.

gross.

yesterday i found his already chewed gum just below my armpit on my arm.

“how did you find it there?” the anxious reader wondered.

the hubby fell asleep with it in his mouth and the gum fell out completely losing its way.

my arm found it though.

i am just glad my hair did not.

when confronted of the escalating problem of the chewed gum escapades, the hubby pointed the finger firmly back at me claiming i am solely responsible for these reprehensible crimes.

yes, i used to put my chewed gum on the dashboard of the car.

and yes, i did sometimes forget it until it was a melted chewie mess of stickiness, but that  irritated the hubby so much i stopped.

he says it affected him so now he must.

weak.

the hubby also had a route picked out for us on our excursion to vernal to see all things dino yesterday with the exact mileage for the trip, he was a regular marco polo.

we reached the exact mileage and still were not there.

we were here.

“oh, sorry.” the hubby admitted, “i was actually figuring out the mileage to pizza hut in vernal.”

this is why the hubby and i get along so swimmingly, his thought process made total sense and pizza sounded really good at that moment.