a little handbook never hurts

“what did you guys talk about in church today?” i asked the kids around the dinner table.

“things so cool you would not even understand.” keats replied.

of course chicka said the exact same thing.

“we watched a movie about some kid who went into the woods to pray.” bird chirped.

at this point the hubby thought it was about the little boy who is missing: Chad Stilson, last seen a week ago sunday, still not found. left with only his backpack and cell phone and no charger for his cell phone.  so sad, i can’t even imagine what his parents are feeling.

but no, bird was talking about someone completely different and when the hubby figured it out, he was feeling religious guilt that only the religious can feel.

remember how i mentioned the articles of faith are memorized by mormon folk in-utero? well joseph smith is taught before conception.

and our 6-year-old had just called him ‘some kid’

“what did you talk about keats?” i asked again.

again, same answer.

again, same answer from chicka.

“i, for one, had a great lesson, we talked about how when kids answer ‘something so cool you would not ever understand’ we get to take away movie time and WII privileges.”

“WHAT!?? where did you learn that, you are making that up.”

“nope. church handbook, chapter 2 paragraph tres.” i said.

“you are evil.” the hubby whispered.

“your daughter still thinks it is ‘some kid’.” i whispered back.

you see, there is a handbook.

keats immediately started spewing church talk wisdom followed closely by chicka.

“i also learned that handbooks are very handy for mothers.” chicka added.

then to add insult to the already religiously guilty she added “who is this kid we are talking about anyways?”

don’t worry, bear has our back in religification:

“dear Heavenly Father, thank you for the food, thank you for costco, thank you for pizza, thank you for emma.” amen.

perfect prayer.

and last but not least, an update on the dishwasher.

the hubby has been putting it through the training rigors.

he let all the dishes sit out saturday night to let the food get good and dried THEN put them in the dishwasher sunday morning.

unrinsed……

not a speck of food on them after the wash cycle.

kenmore, you make a bang-up-of-a-job dishwasher.

hubby tested, mother approved.

ps. right after i posted this the news stated that chad is home.

the joy of a dishwasher

my father and kathryn did something crazy.

they bought us a new dishwasher:

it’s quiet, efficient, and has multiple buttons on it so it must be high-end.

most of all, it does not require manual labor to wash.

i watched my dad shock himself while installing it.

“do you want me to shut off the power?” i offered after watching him roll on the floor.

“if you can’t take 110 v shock what can you take?” he boasted.

after the third shock i figured he had received 330 volts of shock, i turned off the power.

thank you both, we are so grateful, especially the hubby, he did most of the dishes.

speaking of the hubby, i was talking to him on the phone while looking for my cell phone in the car.

for the life of me i had just seen it. i looked everywhere and felt all my pockets only to realized i was talking on my cell phone.

yeah, i know, i was totally shocked to find it there too.

speaking of shocked, here is the picture that made chicka question the hubby’s likes:

speaking of jimmer, we feel queen was trying to channel the spirit of jimmer last night.

she felt very strongly that she should be on the basketball court with her sir playing.

she finally agreed to sit on the sidelines with him, that is until he was called back into the game.

we just call her shaqueenille o’neal now.

out of the mouths of babes

last night we listened to the BYU/SDSU game on the radio with my dad.

he kept hearing the word ‘jimmer’; by the end of the game he was calling him jiminy cricket.

“you don’t want to say that out loud in provo, that is like mocking Jesus here.” i warned him

the hubby decided to let my dad what jimmer looks like so he hung a life-size picture of him up on our living room wall.

“why is that up there?” chicka asked when she saw it.

“because your dad likes him.” grampa responded.

“what? is he gay?” chicka asked in reference to her father.

yes, she does know how to make a room full of people suddenly pay attention.

just one last example

let me explain ‘putting a spin’ on things and here is an example.

“how’s your pregnancy going?” i asked melissa.

“the baby moves all the time! last night i tried to play basketball with the young women and couldn’t.” she exclaimed.

she obviously resents this child and its constant movement that keeps her from enjoying activities she did before.

i was so concerned with the obvious resentment she already shows towards her baby that i contacted a psychologist to analyze this.

he listened to everything i said and read just a snippet of the conversation and came to conclusion that he has the same grave concerns for this unborn child. if she is already resenting this baby so much because of its movements and keeping her from activities then it is obvious that this resentment will only continue after the baby is born.

ridiculous?

of course, melissa is very excited about the baby and when she was telling me about the baby it was in a jesting way.

my point is this, you can spin anything into something malicious, especially if you are willing to lie.

now onto things that are actually worth talking about.

yesterday, when we drove past keat’ school i noticed a bunch of cars there and asked keats what was going on.

“oh, just a basketball game.” he stated. “i was nervous when the payson basketball girl’s team started talking to me that our school team would see me talking to the enemy and get mad.”

blank stare from me.

“the girls’ team was talking to you?’

“yeah.” shrug of shoulders.

“why?”

“i guess cuz i am nice.”

“keats, if girls from another school come up and talk to you it is because they think you are good lookin’ they don’t even know if you are nice yet.”

“no, i am not good-looking, just nice.”

we put the theory to the test when we got home with the visiting relations.

“they will be biased.” he yelled.

end vote: good-lookin’.

in the same abode last night, with the same relatives, the girls learned gambling.

they had nerf dart guns that they were given and targets they had to shoot at.

“ok, if you make it you win a penny, if you miss, you owe me a penny, wanna take a gamble at it?” kathryn’s boyfriend challenged.

hoodlum that he is…..

of course my girls were all over that.

unbeknown to any of us, they are the annie oakleys of nerf dart guns.

we had the going by on roller blades as fast as you can while shooting, the spinning on a swing and shooting into a box shot, and shooting a rolling ball.

after exclamations of distress from grandpa over the money he was losing,chicka quickly assured him “don’t worry, i am playing for charity.”

man i love that girl.

a letter from the editor to mr. ramboz, veronica, and block option

Sarcasm: In sarcasm, ridicule or mockery is used harshly, often crudely and contemptuously, for destructive purposes. It may be used in an indirect manner, and have the form of irony, as in “What a fine musician you turned out to be!” or it may be used in the form of a direct statement, “You couldn’t play one piece correctly if you had two assistants.” The distinctive quality of sarcasm is present in the spoken word and manifested chiefly by vocal inflection …[9]

so there is no question as to the tone of this blog i will proceed.

mr. ramboz, your “expert” reading was fascinating. hearing only one side, not talking to any professionals, teachers, doctors, therapists that have worked with the children for 5-8 years was very professional.  i can understand how you came up with your grave concerns in regards to my children and it was completely fact based and professionally founded.  i can understand how you read my blog and picked out sentences and made a complete profile on me and my family. i see a psychic line in your future. next time you need to make an ‘expert witness’ report, i would recommend looking at all the facts and actually talking to the person you are analyzing.  if you would like, i could hire someone to analyze you by just the report you wrote. my analysis is that you are grossly misinformed. you are a credit to your profession. (please read above reference to definition of sarcasm)

veronica, whatever you have heard from the morrison’s today, (were you the one glaring at me?) they don’t have custody and will not be getting it anytime soon.

block option, by all means, please continue to stalk, read, slander, and misrepresent my words.  half-truths are your specialty. nice job asking all the people who actually have interactions with my children on a daily basis to come and support you today, the gallery was just full of them. (please see above definition of sarcasm)

as the commissioner said, ‘concerns’ are not proof. your ‘concerns’ do not have proof behind them. if concerns made the decision of custody, you would have prevailed. fortunately for my children, proof  is what you lack; in fact, you have no proof in that there must be abuse to prove abuse.

kudos denise larkin, you took a pile of poo and have done well with it (that is not sarcasm) you truly have.

see you after the full custodial evaluation where BOTH parties will be talked to.

ps. would you like me to print this out for you to save you paper before you run off and tell on me again?

i just don’t know why

i feel good.

i feel like something good is coming our way.

the kids are all happy this morning.

the hubby is happy this morning.

the cats are happy.

the dogs are happy.

i am happy.

i watched a movie that taught me a Thai chi move that will make someone poo their pants.

that thought made me happy, although completely fictitious.

i don’t know what has brought on this unexpected euphoric feeling, but i am just gonna run with it.

come and be happy with me.

ps. the recommended tags that wordpress offered for this post are as follows: recreation, pets, shopping, coming out, gay lesbian and bisexual, retirement, parent, southwest airlines.

way to grab on to those coat tails southwest airlines.

the joys of echolalia

as you know, our bear repeats everything he hears.

movie lines: “put me down you idiot!” and “don’t be such a baby!”

what we say: “you want some jerky?” i asked “you want some jerky?” bear replies.

now he is in jr. high.

jr high has some very colorful language.

the f-bomb being one of them.

“mother ……” we heard the other night.

welcome to jr. high citizens of stodmor land.