i don’t care how brave you are

if you see this when you come down into a dark basement sticking out from under your handy- dandy foot resteryou are going to jump,

say a bad word,

and if you are a concealed weapon permit holder…..

fire your  gun.

no more stuffed lemurs for chicka.

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how to clear a crowd

the christmas light section of wal mart was busy today.

to clear the crowd bear used a few useful lines from movies he has heard.

“excuse me, excuse me, coming through.”

“move your issues off the road!”

“is this a road?”

and back to the “excuse me, excuse me, coming through.”

i don’t think moses could have been more effective in parting a sea of people.

next time i am sending him with a staff.

when not to shave

 

we had just gotten out of the swimming pool and were going to shower when my girls came up to me looking like this:

“mom, there is a woman in there totally NAKED.” one loud whispered to me.

the girls believe in showering with their swimsuits on as it is a communal shower.

“well, you have seen a naked woman before, it will be ok.”

“are you sure?”

“yes.”

the woman was not exactly old so let us just describe her age this way:

all was going well, the girls had their hair full of sudsy goodness, when all of a sudden the woman turned her back to us then bent over to shave.

daughter number one about fainted, froze in place with hands stuck on her head.

daughter number two immediately turned, found a corner, and stuck her nose in it refusing to move.

i turned daughter number one around and helped her finish rinsing her hair.

i had to physically remove daughter number 2 from the corner to rinse her hair.

as soon as she heard ‘no more bubbles’ she was bookin’ it out of the communal shower.

i finished my shower and found daughter number two still standing there, wrapped in a towel, staring straight ahead.

“i will NEVER look at a naked lady again!” daughter number one vowed.

“that will be hard seeing as you are a girl who will one day be a lady.”

“ok, myself, maybe bird, but that is it!!”

she has quickly forgotten the queen and all her inhibitions.

so, good people of the world, although smooth legs are most desirable, maybe a communal shower is not a good place to achieve that desirability.

now off to find some cheap therapists.

the decline of marriage and its reason

the institution of marriage is in a lot of trouble right now.

is it social networking?

money?

video games?

i say no to all of these.

the true reason is coming downstairs to find a pile of clothes that used to be neatly folded in a laundry basekt ready to be taken upstairs like this:it is not any of the above that puts strain on marriages, not even infidelity, it is folded clothes suddenly finding themselves unfolded.

of course, it may also be what the turkey did to my digestive system and the hubby unfortunately had to sleep next to me all night.

how to hang in the hood

this is the girl’s home movie theater.

we are charging $4 a ticket.

it is time to be a lemming

for those of you who might not know a lemming let me illuminate you on the species.  they follow the crowd, if one jumps off a cliff they all do and seeing as it is thanksgiving and i am supposed to be thankful, i will now join the ranks of millions in posting my eternal thankfulness to all things thanksgiving-ish. 1) i am thankful for a sister-in-law who not only cooks well, likes to cook, decorate, plan AND invite us over.

2) i am more than thankful to wash every single dish used to make this happen.

3) i am thankful for all those cooking shows that demonstrate what i COULD be doing. i much rather watch someone else do the doing.

3a) just a quick shout-out to all those infomercial folks who make me enjoy late night tv.

4) i am grateful for free clothes and thrift stores.

5) i am grateful for the WII because no matter what anyone says,  it DOES make a good babysitter.

6) i am grateful for full-body scanners because now i can say i looked at porn.

7) i guess i should throw in here i am grateful for family, friends, puppies….blah blah blah.

8) i am grateful for toilet paper, one does not realize the power of the TP until it is gone. respect the power.9) i am grateful for never having to be in the position to share the last square of TP because i don’t think i would and that would just seem snippy.

10) i am grateful that i was not born a turkey, at least not a real one, i have been accused of being one. how did that ever become an insult anyways?

on a side note:

i have been doing some research into this whole TSA brouhaha and learned where they got the idea for pat-downs:

an excellent way to decide homeland security.

when to know when a conversation starts with ‘you know i love you’ is not good

“you know i love you.”

“yeah?” i knew there was a limit to his love by the pause of what was coming next.

then i saw the soup bowl sitting next to him.

“you were supposed to tell me when you wanted soup and i was going to get it for you!” i did not want him to see the shameful evidence.

yes, i had burned the soup…..again.

“i love that my wife burns the soup.”

he was able to eat 1/2 a bowl.

he knew he wasn’t getting no paula deen when he married memy teeth are not that straight and white.

and the winner is…….

the hubby has completed his quest for the holy grail.

the holy grail called an all expense trip paid to seattle compliments of rc willey.

it was a tough competition.

tears (ok, those were mine)

calorie counting.

atkins.

sweat.

garbage bag wearin’ runs.

poop inducin’ drinks.

obsessing.

obsessing.

obsessing.

and then for good measure,

obsessing some more.

in the end the hubby lost 21.336% of his body.

or, in plain speak, 59 lbs.

in 10 weeks.

the winner of the contest in his store lost 21.346% of his body weight.

but that is another story for another day for if i started talking i would say bad things.

turns out i am VERY protective of those i love.

turns out i think i could possibly hurt someone.

luckily the company is giving out 3 trips.

the hubby definitely won a trip.

and in my book he already took the trip to sessy-ville……

and stayed.

before

after.

honey, i am so ridiculously proud of you.

i am proud of the rib cage i feel.

i am proud of how far my arms reach around you.

i am proud of how hard you worked.