why i still need a nightlight

many things terrify me.

#1. snakes: they scare me so much that as i googled them image, i broke out in a small sweat and could not bring myself to click on a picture.  once i was working in the backyard and saw a snake, which immediately pushed the calm adult button in me, and i ran screaming into the house. not just kinda of screaming, screaming. keats, not knowing why his grown-up mother was sprinting across the yard screaming, decided it would be prudent to follow suit. he was screaming just as loud as me.

#2 kenny roger’s face: i think he died about 5 years ago and is now walking around embalmed.#3. dogs that are not my own: when i was little, my brother’s plastic batman figure somehow landed in the neighbor’s yard, i don’t know all the details but i do remember my brother lying on our couch after being attacked by the neighbor’s saint bernard. i realized then that dogs will kill you, especially my sister’s dog.

#4. the unexplainable:
a: one night at bedtime i saw a dark shadow in the hallway, a very dark shadow. mom? mom!? there was just a darkness in the hall. she explained it was just from her walking down the stairs and walked down them again to show me…….she did not make the shadow.

b: i suddenly woke up one night to find the window shade moving up and down by itself. i froze. i closed my eyes again laying very still thinking i was dreaming. getting the courage to open them,  i not only saw the shade moving up and down, but the mask my sister made in school swinging back and forth.  i can’t move. i thought and felt an oppressive darkness that i can still feel typing this.

c: my sister told me she woke up and saw the window shade moving up and down and the mask swinging back and forth a few days later….on a different night.  i had not told her until that point that the exact same thing had happened to me.

d: the Ouija board: i did not know these were bad. i did not know strange things can happen with them. i was at my friend’s lake cabin when we started using it. a pencil rested in my hand and drew a complete picture without me using my fingers. we told the ‘thing’ it was a liar. the plastic circle in the middle of the triangle popped out and flew across the room smashing into a wall. we ran screaming and did not turn the light out when we went to bed that night. i woke in the middle of the night to find the light out and myself in complete darkness, i was certain my 10 years of life were over.

e: when i am downstairs on the computer i hear footsteps upstairs, this is not odd except i am home alone.

this is why paranormal activity about made me faint.

e:  spider veins: there are absolutely no explanations for this phenomenon.

happy halloween!

deep thoughts continued from the deep thoughts i had 32 years ago

i cannot help but wonder if the toilet was 2″ to the left….

would that alleviate the pee puddles i find everyday?

and why, when given the choice of something to buy at the dollar store,

did bear choose a spritz bottle of potpourri?

one day i just might get this whole mom thing

when children are little, they need you.

not just need you, but need you to survive. then they start getting some independence and maybe need you a little less. then they get a little more independence and so on. it was the same with my kids.

what i did not realize at first when the kids were diagnosed is how long they would need me or how much. when they were little children it was natural to be needed and depended on so much; and expected.  when queen started puberty, maybe that is when it really sunk in; i mean we had an inkling that queen and bear would always need us, but taking care of a child and taking care of a teen-ager make you realize that this is a lifetime care-taker position we have signed up for.

and that is ok.

with chicka, keats and bird we have math, reading, science, spelling, and story writing home-work; throw in piano lessons, trumpet practice, soccer, baseball, soon to begin basketball and coaching,  friends constantly over, plus working in the classrooms at school with IEPs and p/t conferences. they always have something to do or can tell me what they want to do.

these activities, at times, make me feel like a hamster in a ball, always moving but never actually getting out anywhere.and trying to keep everything going makes me feel, well frazzled.enter bear and queen. they don’t have homework, or sports, or friends coming over but they need me just as much. we are at a point where little kid things just are not what they want anymore. they are not quite teen-aged activities ready nor are they little kid activities interested. they are the little yellow line in this picture, definitely there waiting to be heard, just not as noticeable in the whole storm of life.

how do i know what to do next? what activities do i sign them up for? will they like it? how hard do i push? what do i expect? why can’t they just once tell me what they want? are they bored? why do they not come with instruction tags that tell me at what age to start the next level of activities? i like tags, i have not even cut mine off my mattress.

until i am finally able to pin God down in the after-life to get all my questions answered, and i have a few, i will be the blue in the picture, constantly in the background pushing my little lines of yellow forward.

and then i am taking a break.

a sleeping talent

bear was always falling out of his bed at night and sleeping on the floor.

he always fell off the right side so i moved his bed around and pushed the right side against the wall.

now bear falls out of bed every night on the left side of his bed.

apparently, he is ambidextrous.


the crushing blow of reality

the hubby has been doing a weight loss contest for the past 5 weeks.

the hubby is smokin’ hot from this weight loss contest and is kickin’ some rapidly disappearing booty.

the kids have been so supportive of him. before you think we have such caring children, they do have an ulterior motive.

you see, if the hubby wins this contest he gets a rental car, airfare, and hotel accommodation to select destinations. he chose his old stompin’ grounds if he wins.

the past 5 weeks the kids thought this trip included all 7 of us, not just 2 of us. that is until last night.

“you totally broke this relationship.” chicka informed him after being informed herself.


“i can’t believe you would even consider leaving us! who would you leave us with? why would you leave us?” the thought of her parents ever choosing an all-paid trip for two over her was quite simply inconceivable. (said in princess bride fashion of course)

poor chicka, just like the hubby’s waistline, her dreams vanished.

great idea #125,670

we went to our friend’s house on saturday and since it was our first time to go to their house i was in charge of getting directions.

i got very good directions AND wrote them down.

i wrote them down on the empty hostess cupcake holder with a washable marker.

i wrote them down on the empty hostess cupcake holder with a washable marker then went out in the rain.

i wrote them down on the empty hostess cupcake holder with a washable marker then went out in the rain and got in the car.

i wrote them down on the empty hostess cupcake holder with a washable marker then went out in the rain and got in the car only to look down and see the directions completely washed away.

i wrote them down on the empty hostess cupcake holder with a washable marker then went out in the rain and got in the car only to look down and see the directions completely washed away and had to call to get new directions.

i used neither empty hostess cupcake holder or washable marker.

we arrived successfully.

the midnight protector

chicka informed me tonight that she likes sleeping with this:she said she likes to wake up and look winnie right in the eyes because it is like he is saying “it’s ok go back to sleep.”

“and you know what?” she said shocked, “it totally works.”

i peered inside the minds of my kids….and i am still confused

some kids like to put things on the spokes of their bikes so they make cool noises while biking down the road.

bear likes to ride through every thorn-bush until his tires are full of ’em because he likes the sound it makes when he rides.

that’s how he rolls.

unfortunately the tires will no longer be rolling.

you may have heard we had a fire yesterday.

in all the excitement we burned a barbie head and Timonseeing the end of timon made keats and his best sidekick wax poetic in similes.

“timon without pumba is like bacon without sausage.”

“timon without pumba is like fat without albert.”

“timon without pumba is like america without apple pie.”

“apple pie is american?”

“yes, everyone knows apple pie is american.”

“so timon without pumba is like american without baseball?”


“timon without pumba is like jamie without adam.”

and so the epilogue to timon continued.

and the last little brain i peeked into looked like this:i don’t know what they told her about the second coming in church but chicka drew a self-portrait of herself and she sho is prayin’ to Jesus.

or maybe she is praying for my soul.

either way, it is intense.