what spells relief?

r-o-l-a-i-d-s spells relief.

advertising genius,

i remember it to this day.

then, after i pushed a baby head out of my body,

i SWEAR i knew what relief was.

but every 14th day at the end of july, i really know what relief is,

i take my kids in my arms as they each jump out of their dad’s van.

THAT is relief.

the bird,

needing her own kind of relief,

requested a bathroom break.

zurg, chicka, and ella headed to macey’s to attend this most urgent need.after asking directions, they learned the restrooms were on the second floor,

in the men’s section,

by the fitting room.

off they went.

when they saw the men’s section, chicka started running,

sure she knew exactly where it was.

she did not.

she took bird into the men’s fitting roombird’s bladder, upon seeing no toilet,

panicked immediately,

and relieved itself all over the fitting room floor.

bird, after seeing her bladder panic all over the floor,

panicked.

chicka, seeing she had led her little sister to a place with no toilets panicked.

zurg?

he just shook his head.

once again,

chicka had to surrender her underwear to bird.

chicka was free under shorts,

bird was covered under her skirt.

chicka is not a wiper.

in the car chicka said

“man, do i have a wedgie!!!!”

“i bet you do, when we get home go straight upstairs and get some clean underwear, both of you.”  i used my mother voice.

“why?” asked bird, “i can just give her her’s back.” her logic was hard to argue.

oh yeah, the big poop stain helped though.

zurg said he finally found someone to tell about the fitting room puddle, right by the $300 and over three peice suits.

i told him i would have just run for it.

sure, a seven year old can steal his parent’s car and get a free trip to new york,

but can he ruin macey’s fitting room without even trying?

where is our trip!?

while this whole trauma was going on,

the queen and i were heading to the very same macey’s to relieve the queen’s bladder.

the only problem,

our chihuahua followed us trying to get into the mall.

i am in the mall, with one chihuahua, trying to find the hubby to do a dog drop off.

i see all these people staring,

and i am thinking

“come on, like you have never seen a dog!?”

then i look at myself and queen.

she is wearing a swim floatie around her waist with shooting range head phones.

me?

not much better.

i have pink hair,

the hubby’s grandmother’s house dress on,

floral corduroy boots that go mid-shin,

AND

to top off the ensemble,

a tea cup long hair chihuahua.

i don’t think it was just the dog that was being looked at.

we finally got all the bladders relieved and headed home.

the car was perfectly loud and insane.

keats and the the girls fought most of the way home,

good natured torture, tickles, screams, and threats,

the scarring events we completely endorse in our home.

keats showed us approximately 1 million pictures on his cell phone that he took of dinosaurs,

that all looked the same to me.

and then had us listen to approximately 2 million downloaded ring tones.

bear, only attacked once.

punch, kick, scratch, and one attempted bite.

oh, how i missed that.

he calmed down quickly.

he then listened, while rockin’ out toall the while saying

“NEXT STOP….HOLLYWOOD VIDEO!!!!”

we made it to hollywood video,

bird had to poop there,

don’t worry, we made it.

then walked to little ceasar’s where bear had to pee.

actually he says:

“do you have to go pee?”

which means,

“i have to go pee!!”

we made it home for him.

tonight, was have cleaned out two poop commodes,

one poop filled underwear,

tickled,

listened to yelling and screaming,

now we are being tortured by mary kate and ashley olsen.

life does not get any more perfect than tonight.

nor, do i need anymore relief than that.

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such an un day

i am feeling rather ‘un’ today

not like’ a very merrieth un-birthday to you’ sort of un

i must stop my ‘un’ speech to say….

I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE TIM BURTON’S ALICE IN WONDERLAND!

now back to my previously scheduled ‘un’ rant after this

un-announced,

announcement.

un-motivated

un-attractive

un-funny

bloated

(the only ‘un’ i did not celebrate today)

un-patient.

i have realized, in the last 13 days 8 hours and 34 seconds that the kids have been un-here,

that raising 5 kids is so much un-harder, than raising two

un-stop-talking

girls.seriously, all of their un-divided attention is now firmly on

un-no one else.

by the end to the day i am wishing for the following

there.

i said it.

i am feeling very

un-mother-like.

i know this is their formative years,

i know they are just youngs girls wanting to know everything.

but seriously,

i think formative is far overrated.

i think i will raise my children to be the strong silent type.

that way,

while in hollywood video,

i won’t have my un-silent child say….

“i can do magic tricks, pull things right out of thin air.”

“oh yeah?”

“yes, toots, they come from nowhere and are so awesome.”

with her fascinations with toots, eating boogers and scabs, and using her shirt for a napkin all day long,

i feel she will be un-datable for quite awhile.

and the legend grows……

“there’s the moon chicka lived on.”

bird told me this while traveling in the trailer i was towing with my bike.

“reeeaaalllyyy?” i asked.

the really was four syllables long.

“yeah, she told me she got an airplane while i was sleeping and flew there one night to live.”

“wow, that is some trip.”

i was truly impressed.

“yeah, it was a long flight.”

bird never once thought to question chicka or doubt her story for one second.

we always tell our kids to reach for the stars,

chicka is reaching for the moon.

the following took place at 2130 somewhere between springville and mapleton

“mom, can you hear this?”

her voice came once again from the bike trailer.

i  was, once again, wishing she would stop talking,

just a little,

while going up this hill.

“no.” i huffed.

“okay, listen again.”

again, silence.

“no.” same huffing noise.

“that’s because i am talking in my brain, i was just wondering if you could hear it.”

we made it up the hill finally, only to go very fast down a hill.

“I CAN’T  BREATHE AND MY BRAIN IS GOING TO POP OUT!!”

she was screaming this while holding on to both sides of the bike trailer.

well, what can i say,

at least i will be able to hear her brain talk.

why can’t i just have my righteous indignation?

last night, as i got home from my bike ride,

i walk into the house to see the kitchen still dirty.

“why can’t he at least clean the kitchen!?” i mumbled.

indignation rising.

“i mean, i cooked, i clean, i vacuum, dust, floors, windows, shop…..i do EVERYTHING….” i was on a roll.

this was all muttered under my breath of course.

“when was the last time he even did any real housework!?”

the pity party train was gaining speed.the good thing about cleaning when i am irritated?

i clean really good.

in short,

i was working myself up into a neglected housewife tizzy.

i came downstairs, still irritated…..

only to find all the clothes folded,

AND

our big pile of clothes taken upstairs to be put away.

boy, did i feel sheepish“why did you do the kitchen?” he asked, “that was next on my list.”

oh, nice guilt blow honey.

i do have the best husband,

and apologize publicly,

that although my irritation was all under my breath,

i still wanted to kick his bootie,

for about 20 minutes.

which brings me to my next subject,

(i am working on my segway)

the putting away of clothes.

you see,

pretty much all the dressers (or chest of drawers)

whatever works,

are empty in our house.

i don’t believe in putting away clothes.

too much unnecessary time spent.

in each of the kids rooms,

there are piles

pants pile

shirt pile (long and short)

shorts,

skirts,

dresses (i don’t hang up clothes either)

the only things that go in drawers,

is underwear and socks.

why?

well, underwear IS actually drawers in real life.

why do i do this you ask?

simple,

i am lazy.

plus i can see the clothes are getting used, and not forgetting what is in the bottom of the drawers.

i am a forgetful person you know.

so forgetful, (another segway)

i think i need this next time medication is needed to be taken“have you taken your medicine today?” my hubby asks.

“i don’t remember, i know i thought about it.” i reply really thinking.

“i will count them for you to see.” he says.

here’s the problem with that course of action,

the count is off because i have forgotten, what i forgot to take, when i remembered to take them.

i just take them at random times now,

the whole ‘take every 12 hours’  was shot within the first 24 hours.

sigh,

the laundry still looks nice.

grounds for undue emotional distress

last night, on david letterman,

he was actually really funny last night all hopped up on meds.

eric bana was on.

he was promoting ‘The Time Traveler’s Wife’

an amazing book,

not for the faint of heart.

i have not seen the trailer yet,

i was staying up just to see the interview and movie clip.

my hubby, dear man that he is,

was watching with me.

we were going between Conan and Letterman.

Conan is funny

AND

had meryl streep.

we were doing really well,

finished meryl,

waiting for the commercial break to go back to eric bana

and the long awaited clip.

what?

swimming?

the race?

breaststroke?

yes, my hubby is a channel surfer.

except suddenly he stopped surfing.

I MISSED THE INTRO,

EXPLANATION OF THE CLIP,

ONLY SAW THE LAST 10 SECONDS….

(i am being generous on the time)

stunned….. shocked…… silence……..

just because a swim is called the breast stroke,

does not mean it is.

the hubby tried to grab me from bed,

after the horrible incident.

carry my downstairs,

to turn on youtube,

just so i could watch it.

too late…….

the moment was gone.

what i had stayed up to watch

WAS GONE.

don’t worry dear reader,

i will not treat you as harshly.

enjoy, and i will not be surfing to make you miss it.

the saga of bird

“i have to go potty…..REAL bad.” gasped bird grabbing her potty machine and jumping up and down.

the thing with bird, she has ‘don’t have to go potty’  and….

‘have to go potty now!!’

there is no in between.

“well, you had better get on your scooter and move!” i said as we were walking home from church.

she was gone in a puff of dust.

when we finally arrived home,

there was no sign of bird.

just a pee trail up the steps,

and a pee puddle right by the front door,

followed by pee footprints through the front room.

we did not see the pee footprints until later.

first we saw bird,

casually standing in the front doorway,

arms folded,

legs crossed at ankle.

“just thought i would change my clothes.” she said casually.

“did you pee your pants?” i asked.

her calm demeanor melted immediately.

“yes! but it was an accident and i couldn’t get the door open, then the dogs followed me in and PEED in the house, not the normal spot, a different spot, right in front of our bedroom!!!”

this was all said without taking one breath,

gigantic eyes,

and a lot of hand gestures.

“bird, don’t worry, accidents happen, you really tried to get here as fast as you could.”

“i did!” eyes even bigger when exclaiming this.

later that evening, when she and i were out walking the dogs and she was on her scooter she asked,

“so, do you want me to show you how i was trying to get home super fast to pee?”

“of course, i like a good re-enactment”

with big eyes, and grunts of effort to both go fast and hold the pee in,

she did a fantastic re-enactment.

so good, i am thinking of signing her up for the next civil war enactment.not bird’s day yesterday

bird and i were playing yesterday with the tea party set.

and by playing,

i mean i had a robe belt tied around my forehead,

while she assumed the ninja stance,

and we started throwing the tea party plates like ninja stars.

(please sing ‘everybody was kung fu fighting’ while reading this post)

“i bet you can’t hit me.” she challenged.

of course our lips were moving, but the words came out one second after the lips moved.

like i said,

we were kung fu fighting old style.

“oh yeah?” i replied challengingly.

and let one fly.

fly right into her eye.

although, i had been able to hit her,

as she challenged me to do,

it was,

evidently,

not the place she wanted me to hit.

much tears ensued,

much laughter muffled,

and our kung fu fighting days were over.

our next morning hang over

things found in our bathroom trash this morning:

1. empty mc donald’s cup

2. empty big mac holder

3. empty mc donald’s french fries

4. empty fritos bag

5. empty rice krispie treat wrappers

6. two consumed ice cream cones

these items were all eaten after 11 pm last night as we watched

the knowingi will now offer my unsolicited opinion:

1. i liked it

2. nicolas cage likes to play unusually intelligent, wine drinking, brooding characters, that have at least one shower scene where he just stands under the shower letting the stream wash away his cares.

3. interesting topic.

4. scary and intense in some parts.

5. liked the ending because i have not seen it put in a movie before.

i am now done with the movie review part of my post.

yes, we had a junk food hang over this morning.

don’t worry,

i am fighting the hang over with the home made chocolate chip cookies i have been munching on while typing this post.

flesh will be shown in this post, parental disgression advised.

friday, at the end of my bike ride,

and by end, i mean i was by my mailbox,i was stung by a bee.

i am not sure what kind of bee,

it was missing immediately.

it did,

however,

leave me a present.

its stinger.it stung me right on my upper inner thigh,

a lucky strike.mt borah 034the stinger was still in it in this picture,

two days later.

i finally got the stinger out,

but not before it made my stretch marks nice and red and itchy.

bingeing

right now, at 10:51 pm,

i am eating a big mac and drinking spriteit is so heavenly greasy and fatty.

i will feel guilty,

don’t worry,

that is just the way i am.

but oh, if i am going to sin and admit my upper thigh to the world,

i will do it with gluttony as well.

i am weak,

i am a lover of two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, something pickles, on a sesame seed bun,

and it is big mac-asm.

thank you mc donald’s and your open late drive thru,

on sunday,

in utah.