ode to sports bras

boob A and boob B

like to get so jiggly

until you came along

and sang your sweet song

holding them tight

as they begin to take flight

how can i live without you?

how can i give you your just dues?

i can think of the ways

the boobies like to sway

without your hugging fit

there is a word

that would got so well

but don’t worry

i won’t us it

alas, i seem to have lost mine

and so boob A and boob B

must sadly pine

for the comfort that comes

when their sweet freedom

is tightly confined

today……what do you mean it is barely past morning!?!?

half asleep horny hubby at 4 am

vomit (not my own)

dr. appointment

weeding garden

bird tying herself to door knob and getting stuck

(i am proud of her tying skills)

little neighbor kid

nice kid

relentless kid

snacks

food

breakfast

lunch

still have house work

and i still have at least 11 more hours to my day

when will time stop moving at warp speed?

today i pulled a hair out of the mole on my arm

plucked hair from under my chin

and keats told me i needed to shave

my upper lip

he is my un-favorite child today

but that is not the worst

i am heavier right now than i have been in a long time

my gut is looking like when i am first preggers

it likes to get a jump start

and my butt

not to be left behind

(no pun intended)

catches up with the gut

immediately

i need exercise

badly

my psyche needs excercise

i try to find time

in the morning?

i am already up at 4 am

home by 5:30ish

can’t go

bear is up early and hubby leaves at 6:30-0700

let’s see……..

when hubby gets home?

running in the 90’s?

yeah, i don’t think so either

evening?

monday: sir’s softball game

tuesday: bird’s kickball, chicka’s baseball, maybe hubby game (it is tourney time you know)

wednesday: chiccka’s last game, keat’s religification (he has decided to be baptized. we never forced the issue, he just thought it was time)

thursday: bird’s last kickball game

friday: keat’s continued religification, religified, holified, pentacostal, and what ever else i can think of

evenings right now are when i can go

i got dressed to go tonight

started walking out the door at 8:30 when hubby says

“what time are you back?”

“why?”

“i have a game”

“dammit!!!!”

i need time people

i need time to mourn the fact that:

1. hair mole

2. chin hair that needs plucking

3. obvious mustache

4. preggers gut

5. butt trying to keep up with gut

6. bear shite, shat, poo-pooed, stinkied his pants just as i was trying to leave

7. PMS

8. lack of sleep

9. how can one properly feel sorry for themselves unless completely alone?!

10. the kicker…..i have a zit on the left side of my nose!!!!

at the rate i am going

this will be me by fall

i don’t know why i get so mad

i don’t know why i get so mad

when people

sleep

i mean everyone should get the chance

why should i begrudge them of

sweet

lucisous

refreshing

sleep?

my hubby put in a long few days

he was tired

i tried to lay down for a quick nap yesterday

so did he

at the same time

not a good idea with our kids

he fell asleep last night

and i put the kids to bed

i got up to do the route

but he came out and said he would

then came home to sleep

until just about 10 am

bear was up before 6 am

with each passing

sleep filled

minute

my hubby was getting

i was getting more and more irritated

i am irritated now

i am TIRED

so childish

i know

but this is how i feel

one day i will sleep

but i am afraid of the curse my father suffers from

he said when he wanted to sleep

he could not

too busy with kids and life

now that we are all gone

he cannot

what a terrible nightmare

chicka’s observation

as we were walking home from HV

that would be hollywood video at our house

which knows us well

starting when queen threw

hunchback of notre dame

in the provo river

and we had to replace it

expensive

the start of a beautiful relationship

with us and HV

anyhoo

chicka was walking behind queen

observing her behind

when chicka said

“does every one’s butt do that?

“do what”

“you know move up and down in different directions”

she followed me for a bit

i was uncomfortable at the close scrutiny

“yours does! now look at mine”

she raced ahead so i could watch her butt

“why yes it does!”

“HMMMM! i did not know this”

well

now she does

my unfavorite child for the day

today bird informed me that my dress makes my stomach

look like a baby belly

yeah,

good luck coming back from that one bird

another sunday

another church done

another GFF started

no peeing on church pews

floors

or

gym

God Bless Us Everyone

you think i would run out of tears

today

bear had a melt down

that lasted 4 hours

but that is not the reason i cried

today

he punched me so hard

his knuckles left imprints

but that is not why i cried

today

he drew blood in multiple spots

but that is not why i cried

today

he climbed on his bed

just to unscrew a light bulb

just to smash it

against his door

but that is not why i cried

today

he tried to break his bedroom window

but that is not why i cried

today

he hurt

emma

but that is not why i cried

today

after i had to physically restrain

on the ground

call for family help

to get us home

bear

sobbing with a broken heart

said

“please mom, i am trying to be my best self”

that is when i sobbed

he could not stop himself

he said this over and over

i tried to console him

he could not control it

he punched me

i tried to hug him

he bit me

i tried to tell him i understand

he kicked me

“please bear, i am trying to be the best i can”

love

mom

I QUIT!

NO, THAT IS NOT DIRT

YES, WE HAVE BEEN DOING THIS FOR 11 YEARS

NO, IT DOES NOT GET ANY BETTER

YES, I STILL GAG

NO, I DON’T THINK IT IS AN AUTISTIC THING

IT’S A QUEEN THING

on a different note

bear realized he fits into my shoes now

bear is always asking to wear

“mom’s shoes”

luckily it is still just green flip flops

when it gets to the heels

well,

wouldn’t

that

be

a

sight

man, tell me i DID NOT just see that

today we went to sandhill park in orem

great park

love it

getting there was hard

bear was punching me the whole way

queen was yelling

gave herself a bloody nose

keats, bird and chicka

well, they were stressed

we got to the park

everyone in separate corners

ate our picnic

rode the scooters

then we saw this

and it had this

so of course

when i had my back turned

queen was in the fountain

laying on her back

splashing

i was running back and forth between the kids

they could not be together

i go to see queen

still splashing

and a gramma explaining to her grandson

why he could not go in

she read the no wading or swimming sign very carefully to him

right by me

the water is untreated

i was thinking

“man, i have seen what she eats, untreated water is sugar candy, besides it is not like anyone pees in here”

but, feeling the gramma guilt

i got her out

all during this a nice mormon family was eating lunch by us

why do i know they were mormon?

well first of all i live in utah

second, the customary 4 kids 5 and under

the mother was wearing her mid-calf capris, layered shirts, and blond hair

the father was wearing plaid shorts, white shirt with some logo on it, and short hair

oh yeah, sporty glasses too

and all their kids were blond

so i am walking with queen when i turn to check on bear

i found him

in the fountain

making his own fountain

o.h.s.h.i.t.

i guess i should be grateful that although he usually pulls his pants to his ankles

today, he only showed his little wiener while peeing

“bear, NO NO NO PLEASE STOP,YOU CANNOT PEE IN THE FOUNTAIN!!!”

it was too late

there was already pee foam floating in the fountain

the sweet innocent mormon family was watching their children gleefully run towards the fountain rolling up their pants to get in

“NO!!!!”

i heard them yell

“YOU CANNOT GET IN THE FOUNTAIN!!!”

they were looking right at me incredulously

i was sufficiently sorry and embarrassed

i took my hercules dressed boy

my completely soaked head phone wearing girl

while wearing my house dress that belonged to my husband’s grandmother with converse low tops

and walked back to the other side of the park

i could see the fountain from where is was pushing bear on the swing

i could see lots more kids playing in it

i could feel guilt

but i giggled instead

i forgot to tell you about my dream

this still freaks me out

last night i dreamed that two large snakes

gardener snakes

slithered by

the boys were trying to catch them

i was freaking out

then i looked up to see

a very long

super green

freaky fast

alligator coming down our driveway

to attack us

i picked up a shovel

then thought

“i will see if it is really going to do something”

it did

it tried to eat lacee

i kept hitting this alligator on the head

it would not stop coming at me

at full speed

suddenly if morphed into a girl

who grabbed the shovel

and hit me on the head!

she was mad that i kept hitting her on the head

i told her she was an alligator trying to kill my dog!

evidently that is not enough to hit something on the head

she hit me again with the shovel

the continuing conversation i have with eugene

you may remember my neighbor

pretty much every day we have one of the following conversations

“do they still have the engine in the front?”

this is in reference to my VW

“do you still deliver the paper?”

“yes”

“well i went through your car and did not find one”

“gene, stay out of my car”

“can you catch that little dog?”

“yes”

this usually begins a 5 minute attempt by gene to catch lacee

which ends with him, once again, not catching lacee

“what’s your name?”

followed by him running in his house to look us up in his phone book

he always finds us

“i can’t poop like i used too”

“hmmmm”

“i eat plums all the time”

“hmmmmmmm”

“is there an after life?”

“lawyers are shisters”

“the politicians are a bunch of crooks”

“i’ll pay you $10,000 to kill me”

“are all those your kids?”

“are you fixed?”

thing is

i always know what to expect

a new use for CDs

bear discovered

that the circle in the middle of a CD

fits his nipple perfectly

and likes to become hercules

so he can perfectly

circle

his

nipples

seriously

can i just go out in public

once

and not feel the need to explain?

the zurg has left the building

he will not be home until

late

late

sunday night

am i afraid?

hell yeah i am!!

you would be too

i am

out-numbered

out- manned

out-muscled

and that is just one kid