if they told me they did not come potty trained i may have rethought this

Potty Training

i wish i could just type a list of to-do things, and if you follow these few simple steps, your child will be wearing underwear with no accidents in one day.

then i would go on TV, yell during the whole infomercial, finishing with a firm, finger pointing at you.

yes you, the consumer.

unfortunately it is a game of guessing, guessing wrong, then right, then wrong, then right, then finally trained.

with keats i had put him in underwear on different occasions, but he just did not get the concept and was not ready, so pushing him was really useless.

when he was 4.5 years old, he decided that he did not want to wear pull ups anymore.

we put underwear on him, and luckily it was summer outside, so we let him run around in underwear and when he had to pee, the great outdoors were his toilet.

mastering the bowel movements took a little longer, but within three days he was potty trained.

he was easy, he could talk a little.

queen was 6 years old when we started finding her pull ups all over the house

sometimes filled with little surprises we would rather not be surprised with.

she decided on martin luther king jr. holiday that she wanted to be free at last.

i went and bought her some underwear and I also bought her a commode.

yes, a commode.

the portable potty of old people.

queen was afraid of the toilet and who could blame her?

we were asking her to sit on something cold, loud, and flushes things away that were never seen again.

there is not guarantee that she would not be next.

i mean look at what happend to the klingons in all those star trek jokes!

even though she was 6 years old, she was at approximately a 2 year old developmental level and 2 years old are afraid of the toilet.

we started by putting the commode out during her movie time and just having her sit on it the whole time.

She did not mind, it was a nice chair that she could jump up and down then sit right back down.

who doesn’t wish they could just pee without having to wait until commercial?

oh, be honest!

the very first time she peed, the look on her face was priceless.

she could not believe that not only had something just come out of her body, but it made a sound too.

we cheered her on like you would not believe.

queen was completely non-verbal at this time and did not like to sign anything that she did not feel worth her time.

we had to start by reading her, looking for the potty dance.

yes, it was time consuming, but on the plus side, our 18 month old wanted to be just like her big sister so they sat side by side, queen on her commode and chicka on her little potty chair, potty training together.

when it was not movie time we would put her on every 20 minutes until she figured out what was going on.

above all she liked the tinkle her sprinkle made when it hit the water in the commode.

which always reminds me of my cousin’s sign in her bathroom

if you sprinkle when you tinkle

be a sweetie

wipe the seatie

it also became a new obsession to make that sound.

when queen had accidents, which she did, we did not get mad at her or make her agitated by scolding her, we told her it was okay accidents happen.

how many unexpected pregnancies start with that line?

i digress

we don’t know how much queen understood, but we have always talked to her like she could.

it took about two weeks for her to be completely trained.

i would like the world to know that any poopie underwear were immediately thrown away

my psyche was worth the purchase of another package of underwear.

i don’t know why I remember so vividly the day bear decided to wear underwear.

it was sunny outside, the sun was streaming though the kitchen window making our yellow and orange kitchen even brighter

it was also president’s day weekend

our children seem to like national holidays to begin controlling their bladders.

i was trying to put pull ups on bear

he was fighting me, which was odd, because he did not like to be naked one bit at the time.

i looked up at him and said “You don’t like these do you?”

He just smiled.

i ran and got a pair of Keat’s underwear and put them on him, going to the store later that day for bear to pick out his particular brand of skivvies

he was 8 years old.

as with queen, we bought him his own commode for the same reason.

as with keats,  it was spring so the great outdoors became his urinal.

he has the same pee bush to this day.

The pee bush has not survived and we have chosen not to replant it.

the pee bush, as i am writing this, has made spectactular come back from the grave.

we are testing bear’s pee for any miracle qualities we have somehow over looked.

we have come to the realization that a privacy fence is needed in our yard.

something about an after dinner pee calls out to our little outdoors man.

we used the exact same methods as we did with queen and again as with queen,  we had another little girl that wanted to be just like her big brother who was potty trained at the exact same time.

the bowel movements took literally over two years to finally conquer.

he still uses his commode but calls it his “Gotta go poop potty chair.”

we travel quite a bit and Ben has a bladder the size of a Nat, so we have taught him to pee in a bottle in the car.

he loves to do this and I am sure we are not doing any future drivers any favors when bear is riding with them and suddenly starts peeing in a water bottle.

i wish i could give so much more information, lists, steps, and ideas.

all it took was love, patience, and persistence.

listen to your child, they will tell you when they are ready even without using words.

nothing has been more fun than seeing queen and bear run around in underwear when they were first starting to train because we just did not know if they were ever going to be able to.

but nothing can beat not having poop-filled pull-ups or underwear to clean.


how we let the bear know his days when he has no idea there are days

we have found that inserting little changes to routines can help immensely when dealing with bear.

for instance:

1. school mornings: breakfast is ALWAYS served by his TV. remote, chair, TV, sunny D and on perfect days baconmany a pig has sacrificed its life to support the bear’s habit.

2. on any days there is not school breakfast is served on the kitchen table and not immediately when he wakes up.

3. on sundays we have church music playing, being the God faring folks we are, this lets the Bear know he will be having a break down in approximately 3 hours at church.

o.k. so i don’t really know the breakdown part, but it sure seems like it.

3.2 on sundays bear knows it is GFF day.

GFF is bear’s BFF.

what is GFF? good french fries.

bear loves good french fries.

bear knows that every sunday is GFF day.

and like all good bears,he waits patiently.

such little changes has let bear know what to expect on certain days.

and least i like to think so.

rating feet

people with cute feet wear these

people with un-cute feet wear these

now to insert a public service message because i like to:

if ever in doubt about your foot beauty


i repeat…..

if in doubt, get the converse out.

nothing dresses up a foot like converse.

i expect my royalty from converse shortly for that un-solicited advertisement.

and last but not least, if you have imposable thumbs as your big toes it looks like this

you are now prepared to hit the summer streets to judge people’s feet mercilessly


the bird’s feelings on Jesus

“what did you talk about in church today?”

standard parent question to feign interest in children.

“Jesus, always Jesus, nothing but Jesus. That is all we ever talk about!”

she was clearly agitated

“well, what would you rather they talk about?”

i was for reals interested now.

“Me don’t care, just not about Jesus, because me know all about Jesus, because that is ALL they talk about. JESUS!”

during the next tirade, i will not be walking by the bird.

she may get to know Jesus.

we have a theif.

we have a little problem in our neck of the woods.

and i do mean little.

the bird’s bear shooting rifle was stolen.

evidently, bears have become rampant in our yard and she follows me shooting them.

i have to jump out of the way everytime she yells “BEAR!” so she can shoot.

how do we know it was stolen?

we saw our little problem bookin’ down the street on the little problem’s bike with rifle in hand.

if you see this little problemshoot out its tires.

thank you for your help.

not just a book store……

One day I took the five kids to Barnes and Nobles to let them each pick out a book.

It is a big treat when we do this.

As we were standing in line, Bear was particularly loud and boisterous because he was excited, which in turn made Queen react more boisterously and it just spread into the three other kids also.

They were not being bad; they were just their own little buzz of energy.

The two women in front of me were giving me their best annoyed looks.okay, she did not look like that, but you get the idea.

One finally turned around and shushed Bear, then turned to her friend and said “I remember when children used to behave!”

Very heavy on the snooty I might add.

This hit the mama bear switch in me

so I tapped her on the shoulder and said “Did you just shush my child?”

Of course she haughtily replied in the positive.

I looked here squarely in the face and said “I don’t think that is wise of you to do.”

She informed me that I needed to control my children.

oh…… no……. you…… DID…. NOT……..

In my kid’s defense, not a single one of them was running around, knocking things over, pushing, shoving, or fighting.

They were quite simply being excited as only my kids could be: hand flapping, jumping up and down, and making the noises that are so uniquely them.

So I replied, resisting the urge to slap…..

“It must be obvious, even to someone as non-observant as you, that these are children with some sort of disability, and I would strongly caution you to not shush any of them again.”

After we spoke, she still had to stand in front of us with her friend while three more people were checked out.

They did not carry on a conversation after that.

It gave me some satisfaction to note this.

Keaton had been watching this whole conversation, and the others had become silent too.

It is not often that I become this serious around them.

My cheeks were flushed and I could not get out of there soon enough.

As we were leaving, I told Keats I was sorry for saying anything to the lady in front of us.

he looked me in the eye and said “Mom, I am glad you did, she deserved it!”

i wonder if Barnes and Noble carries a series of

why we get more annoying as we get older’


do old people really forget what it is like to shop with younger children?’


yeah, i’m talking to you, you geriatric! and other off handed comments to handle the snooty.’

why i am proud in stodmor land

i spent two hours today listening to two 13 year old boys and their thought process. i am now building a fall out shelter.

1. I am a cannibal, i only eat nerds, runts, dum dums, and throw up smarties.
2. “wow there are a lot of bald people at costco today”
3. “must be bald day today”
4. “mr. bird should never be a PE teacher, he does not have the body for it and gives it i a bad name.”
5. “i would like mr. parker if he was not a PE teacher.”
6. “look at this picture i took of the TV.”
7. “look at this picture i took of the TV”
8. “look at this picture i took of the TV.”
9. “look at this picture i took of the TV.”
10. “don’t mess with my awesome do! i can make it exactly like Ace Ventura Pet detective.”
11. “i know every girl in school does not like me, i asked them all.”

there was no laughing or saying “just kidding” in any of the proceeding statements. they were serious.

they also emit strange smells.

chick-a-lita was dared to lick a live snailone person even upped the antie by offering $2 if she licked the snail.chicka-a-lita never could turn down the moo-lah.

i hate to shop

we have this tradition in our house at birthdays because i hate to shop.

hate is a strong word

most people don’t use it.

that is how strongly i feel about shopping.

so, we take the kids on their birthday to the store of their choice and let them shop themselves for 3 things.

we are not rich.

the bird has been waiting for a year (started may 31st last year) for her shopping day.

her big choice?

a thrift storei think i started weeping right there.

she bought the following:

shoes, purse, skirt, dress and shirt.



happiness of mother?

unmeasurable.a side note:

my hubby is here reading over my shoulder correcting my spellingnote to self: do this when he is not here.


things i did not do yesterday:

1. shower

2. run a mile

3. push up/ sit ups

4. my hair

5. my make-up

6. sit down just for the sake of sitting.

things i did do yesterday

1. get frustrated

1a. sent e-mail to mediator and psychiatrist offering summer job as nanny for bear1b. still haven’t heard back

2. took bird b-day shopping

3. picked up chick-a-lita

4. picked up boys

5. had picnic at queen’s school

6. costco (blood was shed)

7. wal mart

8. bird’s b-day party ( i bought 8 squirt bottles for art project, all 8 were broken)9. cleaned up from b-day party

10. had bbq with some friends

11. played kickball at park (malinda is ruthlessly competitive and tried to maim her own children)

12. made a fire in the fire pit

13. bathed kids (s0me of us should not stink)

14. cleaned up house

15. went to sleep thinking i stink.

16. but not enough to shower.

17. somehow set clock 1 hour ahead but did not realize it until i got in the car and it said 3 am for paper route.

18. said bad word.

i have a disease

i was walking the bear home from school one day, when our dog, (no name mentioned to protect her identity from incrimination) made a kid on his skateboard falli laughed.

as i shared this with someone very intelligent, and also a keeper of big words, i learned of my unknown malady.


yep, it means i laugh when people





like the time i cut my teacher’s eyebrow open with the heel of my foot going too fast down the slide at a water park.


or the time my hubby fell rounding second base (not that second base stephanie) then tried to get up, twisted his ankle, fell again, then crawled back only to be tagged out.

i laughed.

everyone else let out a collective gasp and proper exclamations.

but me?

my back was turned facing the bleachers because i was laughing too hard.

or the time my hubby thought some shrubbery was actually grass, not a 6 foot fall drop, onto the sidewalk that left him bloody and a newspaper, shredded, still clutched in his hand.

i laughed.

i am laughing typing about it.

or the time my hubby was running from me only to fall going up the stairs.


and then falling off our porch, not seeing a leash tied across the stairs, rolling on the ground, staggering to his feet, while saying “i’m okay……i’m okay”

i am laughing out loud right now

so, if you fall around me, i will rush to your aid.

i will just be laughing.

i think i will get a medic alert bracelet that says

‘don’t hate me,  i have Schadenfreude, i can’t help it.’