Stodmor’s Blog: Surviving motherhood without eating your young

r-o-l-a-i-d-s spells relief.

advertising genius,

i remember it to this day.

then, after i pushed a baby head out of my body,

i SWEAR i knew what relief was.

but every 14th day at the end of july, i really know what relief is,

i take my kids in my arms as they each jump out of their dad’s van.

THAT is relief.

the bird,

needing her own kind of relief,

requested a bathroom break.

zurg, chicka, and ella headed to macey’s to attend this most urgent need.after asking directions, they learned the restrooms were on the second floor,

in the men’s section,

by the fitting room.

off they went.

when they saw the men’s section, chicka started running,

sure she knew exactly where it was.

she did not.

she took bird into the men’s fitting roombird’s bladder, upon seeing no toilet,

panicked immediately,

and relieved itself all over the fitting room floor.

bird, after seeing her bladder panic all over the floor,

panicked.

chicka, seeing she had led her little sister to a place with no toilets panicked.

zurg?

he just shook his head.

once again,

chicka had to surrender her underwear to bird.

chicka was free under shorts,

bird was covered under her skirt.

chicka is not a wiper.

in the car chicka said

“man, do i have a wedgie!!!!”

“i bet you do, when we get home go straight upstairs and get some clean underwear, both of you.”  i used my mother voice.

“why?” asked bird, “i can just give her her’s back.” her logic was hard to argue.

oh yeah, the big poop stain helped though.

zurg said he finally found someone to tell about the fitting room puddle, right by the $300 and over three peice suits.

i told him i would have just run for it.

sure, a seven year old can steal his parent’s car and get a free trip to new york,

but can he ruin macey’s fitting room without even trying?

where is our trip!?

while this whole trauma was going on,

the queen and i were heading to the very same macey’s to relieve the queen’s bladder.

the only problem,

our chihuahua followed us trying to get into the mall.

i am in the mall, with one chihuahua, trying to find the hubby to do a dog drop off.

i see all these people staring,

and i am thinking

“come on, like you have never seen a dog!?”

then i look at myself and queen.

she is wearing a swim floatie around her waist with shooting range head phones.

me?

not much better.

i have pink hair,

the hubby’s grandmother’s house dress on,

floral corduroy boots that go mid-shin,

AND

to top off the ensemble,

a tea cup long hair chihuahua.

i don’t think it was just the dog that was being looked at.

we finally got all the bladders relieved and headed home.

the car was perfectly loud and insane.

keats and the the girls fought most of the way home,

good natured torture, tickles, screams, and threats,

the scarring events we completely endorse in our home.

keats showed us approximately 1 million pictures on his cell phone that he took of dinosaurs,

that all looked the same to me.

and then had us listen to approximately 2 million downloaded ring tones.

bear, only attacked once.

punch, kick, scratch, and one attempted bite.

oh, how i missed that.

he calmed down quickly.

he then listened, while rockin’ out toall the while saying

“NEXT STOP….HOLLYWOOD VIDEO!!!!”

we made it to hollywood video,

bird had to poop there,

don’t worry, we made it.

then walked to little ceasar’s where bear had to pee.

actually he says:

“do you have to go pee?”

which means,

“i have to go pee!!”

we made it home for him.

tonight, was have cleaned out two poop commodes,

one poop filled underwear,

tickled,

listened to yelling and screaming,

now we are being tortured by mary kate and ashley olsen.

life does not get any more perfect than tonight.

nor, do i need anymore relief than that.